UnNews:New Jersey governor Chris Christie poops in his pants
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Jersey governor Chris Christie poops in his pants
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 01:39:UTC)(
3 October 2011
Trenton, New Jersey --
The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has been observed by reporters to be pooping in his pants. It has been suspected for several months that the governor and possible Republican presidential hopeful has fecal incontinence problems that result in soiled drawers. Now this has been photographed and verified by eye, ear and nose. Although his staff has repeatedly denied that he regularly soils his drawers, only inconclusive, unconvincing evidence has been provided that would clear the governor' reputation. Requests for Gov. Christie's detailed long-form laundry receipts that would resolve this issue have been turned away by his staff. So far, only unitemized bills have been released publicly.
Dr. Tibby Elgato, a specialist in disgusting medical conditions at the University of Bologna, Indiana was interviewed as part of this in-depth report. According to Dr. Elgato: "This is a common problem with the morbidly obese which is increasingly prevalent as our population becomes more sedentary and eats an unhealty diet". Dr. Elgato elaborated: "The morbidly obese like Christie have ongoing chronic control issues caused by the enormous gut pressures that result from their exessive weight pressing on the stagnant contents of their distended digestive track".
"He eats like a pig", an anonymous source close to the governor said. "I have seen him eat twenty foot-longs with chili and onions for lunch, he should be on "Man vs Food", he would win it all", the source continued.
The NJ governor, who is considered a possible Republican presidential candidate, is suspected to weigh about 380 lbs although he is listed at 275. He is required to travel exclusively by helicoper, limo or anti-gravity barge and is unable to walk more than a few yards unaided. He also far exceeds the Segway maximum weight limit. It is rumored the copters and limos he uses frequently require extensive cleaning after his travels.
A former Limo Driver for the governor Benny Guidonelli who has since moved back to Sicily, shared some of his experiences driving Governor Christie around saying "It was windows down all the way with him, summer, winter, rain, hot, whatever, you know. Disgusting. You couldn't make any money with him, it all got burned up in gas driving him around. Fogettaboutit. "
As the Garden State governor's political star rises, the concern has been raised about the impact his condition might have on our nation's sensitive international relations. "You can't just let go when your are speaking at the United Nations or meeting a foreign leader or ally, it might be misinterpreted as insulting or a provocative act leading to conflict or exacerbating a difficult situation", according to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Come clean Gov. Christie, release your detailed laundry receipts to the public to prove your qualifications for higher office. The American people have a right to know the truth and have leaders with clean drawers.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|