UnNews:New Jersey cop tasers a suspicious deer.
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New Jersey cop tasers a suspicious deer.
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 10, 2016, 06:22:UTC)(
5 June 2008
In a New Jersey convenience store, a deer strolled in at 2:00 in the morning and asked for some beef jerky and a pack of smokes. The owner rang up the items and asked the deer for $7.25. The deer, having just cashed his paycheck, asked if he could pay with a $100 dollar bill. Having been robbed seven times in the last month (hey, this IS New Jersey) the owner did not keep change in the store for a bill that large. The owner asked for other forms of payment, but the deer only had cash and a Dunkin Donuts reward card, punched 10 times, good for a free apple fritter, valued at $1.25. The deer, possible drunk, became pushy and asked again if he could pay again with a $100 dollar bill and once again was denied. A passing motorist in a 1979 Chevy Camaro (hey, this IS New Jersey), notified local police of "cloved hoof hooligan" causing a disturbance.
Officer Harold J. "Happy Fingers" Schlong was called out to the scene. After asking the deer to pay the man with exact change, he "had an outburst, called me bad names, and threatened to 'Go all Bambi all over my ass' " said the Officer. Officer Schlong, Central New Jersey's "Donut Eating Champion, 1979-1998" attempted to chase the now fleeing four-footed felon. Weighing in at a slim 325 pounds, (Hey, this IS...oh never mind, you get the idea), the Officer quickly realized he would not be able to catch up with his "perp." Reaching into his (ample) waistband, the officer pulled out the latest in law enforcement technology, the Big Ira's House of Pain Max Volt Tazer, recently purchased off eBay by his wife, Bertha. Pointing the taser and pulling the trigger, H.J. "Happy Fingers" Schlong successfully collared the quirky quadraped. Kicking back later at the station house, downing a case of imported Budweiser long neck 16 ounce light malt ale flavored beverages, the excited officer recounted the thrill that can only be had by protecting and serving the public. "It was a real rush, man."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|