UnNews:New Information on Hudson Plane Crash hints towards terrorist and leaves investigators thinking, “I need a new career.”
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New Information on Hudson Plane Crash hints towards terrorist and leaves investigators thinking, “I need a new career.”
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 22:48 (UTC)
28 January 2009
Investigators had no idea what is on the contents of the tape being that all terrorist still use low tech VHS while the US only uses Blu-ray players with Dolby 12-in stereo surround sound to watch all attacks in HD. But this low-tech device lead investigators to believe that Al-Qaeda was indeed the devious mastermind behind strapping explosives to birds.
Al-Qaeda and the UN or Undisputed Nationalrulersoftheworld also called the USA have been at war for sometime. The battle has mainly been focused on the Al-Qaeda refusing to put a “u” after the “Q” in their name, throwing off American grammar rules everywhere. The USA immediately demanded they fix this wrong or there would be grave consequences, Unfortunately they were bluffing.
After deep investigation of the VHS, using foreign technology called a “VCR Player” found in a Starwars fanatic’s basement it has been discovered that Al-Qaeda has been training geese and (air)-craft carrier pigeons for years. These birds have been specifically trained to track down US planes strapped with 4 times their body weight in plastic explosives and fly into the turbines of boeing 747 airliners, making it appear as an accident.
They started this because of the increased security after 9/11, where anyone who has a mole darker than the skin of an albino is strip searched for explosives and then molested. Since ducks easily pass airport security and are generally not thought out of place in the sky, they can easily pull off these suicide missions. The Government of the UN stated that it feels defenseless against this and has started screening all Islamic looking geese. They have also stated that they are training the soldiers of tomorrow called SPARTANS or (Some Passive-Aggressive Redneck Tourists Against Non-compliant Swallows) through a new training facility program called “Duck Hunt.”
Citizens are warned to keep a keen eye out for any suspicious birds, especially ones moping around sidewalks, and outside of airports. People are also recommended to stay inside due to the
Bird poop Biological warfare the birds have been attacking with.