UnNews:New Hellmouth opens in Guatemala City?
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Hellmouth opens in Guatemala City?
Fake News that's honestly fake
Sunday, April 30, 2017, 16:56:UTC)(
24 February 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
GUATEMALA CITY - Upon defeating the First Evil ever to inflict itself upon humanity, Buffy Summers, her sister Dawn, and her friends, Xander Harris, Willow Rosenberg, and others thought they’d also closed the Hellmouth out of which their adversary and other forces of darkness had crept and crawled during the past seven years. However, Summers’ one-time mentor and, according to some, her ex-lover, Rupert Giles informed her that there was another Hellmouth in Cincinnati, Ohio, of all places.
If the “giant sinkhole” that is reported to have opened in Guatemala City is any indication, there may be at least one other Hellmouth that neither Giles nor anyone else knew about. A former high school librarian, museum curator, magic shop owner, sorcerer, and member of the clandestine Watchers’ Council, Giles fears the worst. “It has all the earmarks of a Hellmouth,” he said, mixing metaphors. “It’s already killed people and has begun to destroy human civilization.”
Giles was referring to the destruction to human life and property that the 330-foot-deep crater caused when it opened inside a community of cardboard houses with tarpaper roofs outside Guatemala City proper, swallowing a dozen homes and killing two teenage siblings, Irma and David Soyos, whose bodies were found floating in a “river of sewage.” Their father, Hugo Hernandez, is still missing. According to authorities, recent massive rains and a ruptured sewer line caused the sinkhole. Giles does not accept this explanation. “The authorities must attribute the appearance of the Hellmouth to natural causes, of course,” Giles said. “Otherwise, the local population would panic. But it wasn’t anything natural that caused the disaster. The forces of darkness are at work in Guatemala City.”
Summers agreed with her former mentor. “Signs, such as floods and horrible stenches of sulfur, brimstone, or sewage, often accompany demonic activity.” Local reports support her contention. The pit is said to be emitting foul odors, loud noises, “like the screams of the damned in torment,” and a rush of water may be heard below the quaking ground surrounding the crater. “Most likely, that’s lava, not water,” Summers said.
“So, you’re saying this is the work of demons?” a skeptical reporter asked the former vampire slayer. “It’s either demons or bloodsucking freaks,” she replied. Asked whether, by “bloodsucking freaks,” she meant vampires, Summers said, “I’m sure as hell not talking about overly passionate, but sexually inept, boyfriends who give sloppy hickeys.”
Harris, who with Rosenberg and Summers' younger sister Dawn, were present at the press conference Giles called upon hearing about the alleged sinkhole, told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, “Don’t mind Buff; she’s a comedienne.”
“We call her Wacky Buffy,” Rosenberg agreed, “or, sometimes, just WB, for short.”
"Don't cover up the truth," Summers told her friends. "The world has to know what's really happening."
Giles agreed: "I agree," he said.
According to Guatemalan officials, the sinkhole could widen and deepen or additional sinkholes could appear anywhere in or around Guatemala City. Once again, Giles concurred: “I’d say that was a safe bet,” Giles concurred.
Sunnydale, a sister city to Guatemala City and the town in which Summers, Giles, and their friends lived, was evacuated when The First and his demon horde ascended from the Hellmouth that was located beneath Summers’ alma mater, Sunnydale High School, which she and the others, except Dawn, who had not been given mortal form at that time, destroyed with explosives to stop the rampage of the town’s mayor, Richard Wilkins, who had undergone a transformation to become a “pure demon.” After the town was evacuated the Hellmouth did open wider--so much wider, in fact, that the entire town collapsed into its maw. “The same could happen in Guatemala City,” Giles warned.
According to Alvaro Rosa, officials have closed the valves to the cardboard community’s storm and sewer drains. Rescuers are standing by, waiting for the region to stabilize before they enter the area to search for other victims and to evaluate the damage. They fear that the “sinkhole” will almost certainly become larger.
“It will,” Giles predicts, and he warns Rosa not to enter the region. “You will be stepping out of this dimension and into Hell,” he declared.
Rosa said that local residents had heard strange noises and felt tremors for about a month before the
Hellmouth “sinkhole” opened, which woke many residents, caused nightmares, and promoted insomnia. Some residents claimed to have seen “strange, hellish creatures,” but authorities attributed the reported sightings to “mental confusion” caused by ignorance and fear. “No one but the simple, uneducated residents believed that the devil had actually come to Guatemala City, of all places. We just assumed the residents were seeing and hearing things because they were emotionally overwrought. We should have listened to them and taken action.”
Asked what could have been done if the devil really is the cause of the recent incidents in Guatemala City, Rosa said, “Pray.”
Rosa also made a startling confession: “Authorities may have suspected that something was wrong with the site before the sinkhole occurred. Officials had placed a seismic meter at the site and had planned to deploy a remote-controlled robotic camera there, but the pit opened before this action could be completed. A government investigation is likely to be conducted as to why officials did not evacuate the town before the sinkhole appeared."
Naria Rivas said she was in her cardboard shack when the sinkhole opened. “I heard booming noises and the earth started to shake, rattle, and roll. At first, I figured Carlos, my neighbor, had his stereo cranked up again and was listening to that rap music, but, then, the houses next door to me start to fall into the ground, and I realize that the earth is hungry.”
Police and military personnel are guarding the evacuated portion of the city from looters. Giles issued a warning to them: “Get out!” Looting, he said, should be the least of the authorities’ concerns. “The forces of darkness are not interested in television sets, refrigerators, and furniture, and they are likely to kill, maim, or torture any looters they happen upon inside the cordoned-off section of the city.”
Summers, who is empowered by God’s surrogate, Joss Whedon, to fight the forces of darkness, has created an army of fellow vampire slayers, and she plans to deploy to Guatemala to fight the demons and other monsters from hell, giving up a long-planned trip to Disneyland with Dawn. Once, she’d have been disappointed at having to give up such a trip, but, she says, she has long since given up the idea of ever having a normal life. “Just like vampires, my life sucks,” she said. Giles, Harris, Rosenberg, and Dawn are expected to join her, and another slayer, known simply as Faith, said that she may accompany them to Guatemala as well, if she can’t find something “better to do.”
Meanwhile, some of the town’s evacuees are abandoning their homes forever. “I lived there for 15 years,” Antonio Fuentes, 50, said, “but, if the devil wants my cardboard shack, he’s welcome to it. I’m never coming back. I always thought that show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was just a TV series, but I know better now!"
As the sinkhole expands and others open, the story concerning the latest Hellmouth to appear is apt to expand as well. If so, Unnews will keep its readers posted.