UnNews:New Hampshire joins European Union
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New Hampshire joins European Union
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 07:00:UTC)(
25 February 2012
CONCORD, New Hampshire:
Joining the EU has become a popular fad for bankrupt, one-horse European towns, however this is, as far as we know, the first time that a region on this side of the Atlantic has opted to join the Brussels-based cartel.
A condition of joining is that NH must revoke the US Constitution, its death penalty, adopt the Euro soon, and adopt the Human Rights Act in its place.
Opponents to the change of allegiance have voiced concern that this will lead to a massive increase in red tape and paperwork throughout the state's administration. There are also fears that public services will become subject to 'procedures' as is now the norm in the EU. Residents are especially cautioned not to fall into ornamental ponds, as this will create an awful lot of paperwork for the rescue services.
Spokesperson Tancredi Versacci commented that, "An issue I see here is that the NH public should have been properly informed of the implications of this change. They were not. Thus, we shall probably still see people [mistakenly] acting under the assumption that the US Constitution still applies, especially in matters relating to the time-honoured American practice of blazing away with a 40mm cannon at anyone nicking their stuff, or even at anyone looking a bit shifty, like perhaps they might nick their stuff."
Following this disclosure of EU membership, suggestions that the state motto of "Live Free or Die" should be revised into something more appropriate are being duly considered. It has been pointed-out that EU citizens are not allowed to do the first part anyway, whilst they are asked to ensure that if intending to do the second part they should do so in a place where it causes no procedural issues for the emergency services.
Versacci went-on to add that, "One area of EU Human Rights Law people should be especially aware of is that relating to the Protection of Vulnerable Individuals. For those who are not familiar with this Act's provisions, Vulnerable Individuals are granted special protection from any kind of action which they themselves regard as 'intimidating.' Thus, members of the NH public should be aware of the need to show due deference and respect to all Vulnerable Individuals, which category includes ethnic minorities, minors, the elderly, transvestites, the disabled, and addicts. Any invulnerable person violating the rights of such vulnerable individuals shall suffer the full weight of all 121,000,000,000 statutes of EU law."
America's first test case under the Human Rights Act has already been scheduled for the New Hampshire Court. This involves a citizen who was alleged to have intimidated a special needs individual by 'Waving his arms around and making a loud banging noise' whilst that person was going about his work as a licensed wealth redistributor.
As was pointed out, the victim's opiate dependency qualifies him as an individual with special needs. These special needs render him a Vulnerable Individual under the Human Rights Act. Since he is also of a low-income status, he is therefore also entitled to special considerations as to non-interference by members of the public whilst engaged in acquiring money to pay for his special needs.
Following criticisms that this ruling is plain loopy, Versacci commented, "That is not an issue, as there has never at any time or place been a requirement for EU directives to make sense. So, why here?"
Meanwhile, in response to intelligence that a number of youth gangs were planning a city-center looting spree in celebration of the new laws, a Concord police spokesperson replied, "Rest assured that we have that possibility covered. Thanks to the EU experience gained from the London riots, we have drafted in extra officers to ensure that we have enough police available to stand watching the looters at all times."
- Joshua Rhett Miller "New Hampshire man arrested for firing gun into ground while catching suspected burglar". Fox News, Feb 21 2012
- Philip Johnston "Our 999 services could save more lives by ripping up the rule book". The Telegraph, Feb 22 2012
- Staff "So where WERE the police? Shopkeepers mystified at tactics that left them defenceless". Daily Mail, August 15 2011