UnNews:New Eye Tests Discover Justice isn't Blind
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New Eye Tests Discover Justice isn't Blind
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 03:28:UTC)(
3 November 2006
A new form of eye test, which involves retina scans as well as shape identification on the part of the person taking the test, was tested yesterday evening. The team of scientists behind this new form of eye testing was funded by Tony Blair; who felt it would be good to make sure David Blunkett wasn't just sight impaired, but completely blind, hence making the 'Kick Me' sign he intends to pin to Mr. Blunkett's suit tomorrow completely unnoticed by the unfortunate former cabinet minister. Gordon Brown frowned upon this, but was too busy eating an exceptionally large chocolate-icing ring doughnut to comment. The first person the test was tested on was, indeed Mr. Blunkett, who is now walking up and down Downing street, with a sign reading 'Kick me' pinned to his suit. Many passing Conservative party members followed the advice offered by the sign, and proceeded to beat the c*** out of the unfortunate man. David Blunkett is now hospitalised with multiple head and abdomen blows rupturing his lungs and left kidney, as well as shattering three of his ribs and denting his immensely thick skull. Fortunately the National Health service was well-equipped and ready to deal with him. The second person the test was tested on, was a second famous blind person - Justice. The scientists behind the eye-examination were shocked to discover that - after removing her blindfold, anyway - Justice was in fact, not blind, but merely long-sighted. She was immediately provided with some thick-rimmed glasses, as one scientist ran to inform the press of this exciting new discovery.
The scientist in charge of this breakthrough in eye ability determination technology, a Dr. Froley, 39 from Kent in Southwest England, had many comments to make on the amazing uncovering of Justice's sight. "We just couldn't believe it at first, but when she managed to read the full United States Bill of Rights in font size 8 from 10 metres away, we had to admit she wasn't blind." Justice is now undergoing laser eye surgery in the hopes to improve upon this admittedly poor eyesight.
Now that Justice is capable of finding her own way, instead of being led by the hand, judges, prosecuting lawyers, police officers, detectives, forensic investigators, and Columbo will all be that much more fearsome, and, presumably, vastly more accurate in determining the truth in matters concerning Justice and law. Before she could help it, the moment her blindfold was removed, Justice pointed out that she shouldn't be getting disability benefits.
Justice's best friend - George W. Bush, had this to say concerning the matter. "Now all those illiterate, drink-driving, fight-starting, corrupt politicians are gonna be caught that much faster! Yee-haw!"