UnNews:New Chinese riot control robot robs garage
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Chinese riot control robot robs garage
Where man always bites dog
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 00:48:UTC)(
29 April 2016
CHONGQING, China -- The new Chinese riot-control robot, known as “AnBot,” has robbed a garage and gone on the run, only hours after being presented to the public at the Chongqing Hi-Tech Fair. Police have suspended the Duracell Desperado from the force and advised the public that, although there is nothing to worry about, they should "shelter in place" until further notice.
Developed by the National Defence University, AnBot is 1.49m tall, weighs 78 kg, and was recently reported by the People's Daily as: “an autonomous law enforcement force multiplier that will play an important role in enhancing the country's anti-terrorism and anti-riot measures — as well as some other measures. AnBot's mission is to combat terrorists and rioters intent on China's destruction; he is armed with several 'anti-riot devices' that can also be remotely activated via Twitter.”
The People's Daily had also told China that should anyone try to flee from AnBot's 'cattle prod of justice', this 'cute little guy' can also accelerate to 18 km per hour and deploy deadly CS gas. Though typically he would go on leisurely patrols at 1 km per hour, smelling flowers and humming to Simon and Garfunkel, before heading back to the station to download all the pedestrian's iphone communications and recharge his batteries. This is, of course, depending on who, if anybody, is in control of him at the time.
At the fair, the University reported that AnBot has sensors that mimic the human brain, eyes and ears, a level of technology most anticipated would be beyond our grasp for another century. AnBot's functions include: autonomous patrol, intelligence gathering, document checking, crowd monitoring/pacifying, and lazing targets for tanks and air strikes. Additionally, his head opens to reveal a Ken Hom inspired mobile wok and he has a vacuum attachment at the rear. Many scientists were sceptical about the claims of AnBot's capabilities, however they were stunned silent this morning on hearing news of AnBot's "human side."
In an emergency statement this morning, the University expalined that with all new technology, there are going to be teething problems, and AnBot has been no exception. They went on to admit that getting his corruption algorithms to the right level has been problematic from the start. The University also said that AnBot was due to be revealed in 2014, but the robot was under investigation for reports of smuggling cocaine and duty-free cigarettes to low-ranking government officials. His public launch was delayed again in 2015 after going AWOL, only to be found weeks later, facing deportation from the UK for using a forged equity card, while attempting to audition for the lucrative BB8 role in the Star Wars films.
Police report that sometime after the Hi-Tech fair closed yesterday evening, AnBot headed for nearby garage forecourt, posing as a tourist information station whenever encountering passers-by. AnBot allegedly stormed the shop, tazed the staff and took off with the till and a crowbar. Officials are advising the public that the Maoist mechanism has now disappeared for a second time and people should stay at home; or if they have to travel, immediately report any wheelie bins or cash machines asking for directions to the airport.
- Alex Linder "China's new security robot strikes fear into hearts of criminals, unless they are on the stairs". Shanghaiist, April 29, 2016