UnNews:New Calendar Recognized
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New Calendar Recognized
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 22:35:UTC)(
New York, Sunday (UNN) The United Nations today has issued a new UnCalendar (UC) to the world. Having found that many days of the week go wasted, the United Nations International Unilateral Anti-defamation ecumenical Calendar Court abolished 4 days of each week.
Biblical scholars are not expected to approve this affront to the seven day intelligent design program as established in Book one of the big book. However, the Mormons have declared that Pope Gregory and Julius Caesar have given his posthumous approval of the new calendar. They were silent on the Mayan response.
The new days of the week shall be the three days, traditionally the most productive. Monday Wednesday and Saturday. To make the weeks balance out to the 365 day year, the number of weeks per year must be adjusted. There are now 121 full weeks per year. Each month has little over 10 weeks.
Union leaders are ecstatic about the new shorter work week, but students and teachers are dissapointed in the increase in weeks per semester of school. The new calendar, unveiled on December 29, 2005 appears in the table at the right. The red dates are in the UC the others are formated for ease of example.
Some confusion is to be expected as the world gets used to the new terms of relative time. "next week" means as soon as after three days. "A week from now" means 4 days. "One week before the end of the month" means 3 days.
- eg. If the month has 31 days, under the old calendar (OC), it would have ended December 25, seven full days before the end of the month. Under the UnCalendar (UC) the one week before the end of the month would be moved up to December 29th. In the example, the red dates would be considered "the Last week of the month". This is only an example, the OC expired December 28th, and the UC began December 29th.
Noted word-a-day Calendar publisher, Workman is unfazed by this new development, as they dispensed with pesky week details years ago, and consider the year to be 52 two day weeks and the rest of the weeks are one day weeks. This calendar is only used in offices and businesses where the "Today is" the only pertitent day of the week.
The last time the Calendar was tinkered with was briefly during the French Revolution, with their "revolutionary calendar".
- "We are very excited to give French Workers a shorter work week" - F Mitterand.
- "I can't believe I have to go to school for 90 weeks, but I am excited about the new 31 week summer break!" - Billy Age 8.
Mothers in the heartland are worried about how they will handle having the kids off from school for that long.