UnNews:New Borg drone complains about management
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New Borg drone complains about management
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 22:05:UTC)(
1 May 2007
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DELTA QUADRANT -- Borg Drone Six of Eight, formerly a member of Species 3621 and recently assimilated by the Borg Collective, has complained bitterly about being 'jerked around' by management.
"This really sucks," said Six of Eight. "When I first joined the Collective, I thought it would be a pretty cool job. I mean, we get to assimilate entire freakin' planets! But it turns out that the Borg have a really shitty personnel department."
Six of Eight said he has been working on a project relating to the construction of a transwarp hub since his arrival. "It's a hard slog," he said, "and I come to work every morning, sometimes barely able to regenerate, because I've got 'the man' breathing down my neck the whole time."
A colleague of Six of Eight's, Five of Eight, agrees. The two work side-by-side in the Unimatrix complex, and Five of Eight has experienced firsthand the management issues associated with working in the Collective.
"Just the other day," said Five of Eight, "I received an instruction from Unimatrix 3 to reroute power from subjunction 38-alpha and to shunt the bilateral distribution through Tertiary Conduit 6-Gamma. As I was attempting to comply, I received a completely different instruction from Unimatrix 5, telling me to reroute power from subjunction 38-beta and shunt the bilateral distribution through Tertiary Conduit 6-delta! I mean, what the hell is going on up there? Did we assimilate Enron or something?"
As for Six of Eight, he claims he has been ignored by management when he complains about safety procedures and describes plans for the assimilation of Earth. "I suggested, for instance, that the best way of assimilating Earth would be to send five hundred cubes and just overrun the whole damn planet. I was told that my e-mail had been forwarded to the Executive Director of Assimilation. The next morning, I read that, again, we'd only sent one ship, and that some loony in Middle Management had come up with this stupid 'time travel' idea. I asked what had happened and it turned out nobody even read my submission!"
Both drones agree that the problem originates with the Borg Queen, who was assimilated into the collective without any prior managerial experience. "It's always the way, isn't it," said Six of Eight. "Some high-flier gets catapulted into the collective, without a clue how to do things, and just because they had five degrees before they were assimilated and a shiny car everybody assumes they know how to conquer the universe. It's all fucked up."
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The Borg Queen herself was not available for comment. However, a spokesman for Unimatrix One said "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. You have progressed in the queue."
The Borg are not the only ones suffering from poor management. Just last month, the Daleks had to exterminate more than 5000 jobs, after it was revealed that senior members of staff, including Davros, had been embezzling Dalek funds.