UnNews:New Bin Laden message calls on Hippies to fight Yuppies
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New Bin Laden message calls on Hippies to fight Yuppies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 7, 2016, 14:22:UTC)(
1 July 2006
SOMEWHERE ON THE AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER (KKK) -- An audio message purportedly from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has appointed a new leader of al Qaeda in the U.S. In a statement that addressed two key insurgent fronts in America, San Francisco and Greenwich Village, New York City, bin Laden endorsed Bob Dylan as the successor to Timothy Leary in the position of Lt. Mullah Second Class, and as leader of al Qaeda West, LLC.. Officials from Homeland Security have said remained tight-lipped , except to say that Robert Zimmerman was slated for the position, and that a power struggle may ensue between Zimmerman and Dylan . Leary died in a DEA recent airstrike on a Store24 which hippies are known to frequent when in need of munchies.
Bin Laden whined about Greenwich Hippies being subjected to, "ethnic cleansing", and he called upon them to protest against Yuppies, saying the only way to win freedom is to, "stick it to the Man". He warned that if such harm against New York Hippies continued, New-Age Yuppies and their, "apartments would not be safe from draft card burnings, peace rallies, and love-ins." The majority Yuppies have held political sway in New York Since the 1980s, after being marginalized during the 1960s and 1970s, by Hippies and their ilk.
While New York's Yuppie mayor is pushing a municipal reconciliation plan, bin Laden exhorts Hippies to work against city unity and political participation, thereby distracting the Great Satan from affairs in the Middle East. Hippies are instructed to repel attacks by the fuzz, a reference to the NYPD, CIA, and DEA, and refers to George W. Bush and his cohorts as, "like, wigged-out, man."
The message also referenced San Francisco as, "a groovy, happening place where a dude can drop some acid and mellow out". It also warns the global community to stand against, "uptight bummers who are keeping plot illegal".
Bin Laden said it is the responsibility of Muslims and hippies everywhere, "to punish the Man in all his guises.