UnNews:Nevada to vote on quicker move to Hell
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Nevada to vote on quicker move to Hell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 14:22:UTC)(
17 October 2006
RENO, Nev. - Gambling, prostitution, and now pot? Organizers of a Nevada ballot measure hope voters in a state where they know they're going to burn in Hell anyway will go ahead and legalize marijuana.
If it passes Nov. 7, Nevada will be the first state to allow adults to possess up to an ounce of pot that they could buy at government-regulated marijuana shops, which will undoubtedly hasten their descent into the firey Pit of Eternal Damnation.
The Committee to Regulate and Control Marijuana, which has pushed medical marijuana and decriminalization laws around the country, thinks Nevada — which already has a space for its citizens reserved in Hades — is a perfect venue.
In an editorial last spring, the rural Lahontan Valley News argued that gambling, Nevada's most powerful industry, already caters to "a viper's nest of sinners, reprobates and the damned," and that it would hypocritical to oppose the legalization of marijuana on moral grounds.
Proponents of the measure also argue that the legal system wastes time and money on low-level marijuana offenses, and that taxing and regulating pot would put drug dealers out of the selling business while helping them expand into the interstate trucking and smuggling of those same drugs. The move would also reduce the number of tour reservations to the cold, damp city of Amsterdam.
"Put it into a tightly controlled and regulated environment," Neal Levine, executive director of the committee. "We'd think that makes a lot of sense, even if we weren't totally stoned."
Opponents, including law enforcement, the nation's drug czar, and civic and business groups, argue the measure would cut into their kickback money, encourage the use of other drugs, create a dangerous overuse of the word "dude," and question whether it will even prove to be a good source of tax revenue.
"The fact is, growing, distributing and warehousing marijuana will still be a federal offense," said Todd Raybuck, a Las Vegas police officer, total puss, and spokesman for the Committee to Keep Nevada Respectable, which opposes the measure.
Levine countered Raybuck's objection with, "Go back to your crib, Baby Goody Two-Shoes, and let the adults talk."