UnNews:Neutrino exceeds legal speed limit twice
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Neutrino exceeds legal speed limit twice
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 28, 2015, 07:52:UTC)(
22 November 2011
GRAN SASSO, Italy -- The notorious criminal Edgar Neutrino has once again been caught red-handed in the act of exceeding the 186 km/s speed limit.
Police have been watching Neutrino for several months on account of his numerous successful burglaries. Two months ago, they had managed to track him to the mountain Gran Sasso, and were about to arrest him, when he suddenly jumped into his car and drove to safety at 186.03 km/s.
"I was flabbergasted," said the officer in charge of the operation. "I wanted to double-check, so I radioed my man at the foot of the mountain. He hit him with radar, and sure enough, Neutrino was going way too fast.
"I didn't want to believe it at first," he continued. "Not Edgar, I thought. He's bad, I know, but could he really stoop this low? Well, it turns out he could."
The police continued to track Neutrino, now waiting to see if he would commit this tragic felony again. They also checked their own equipment and methods to make sure there was no human error involved. They re-wired their radar guns, check the criminal's speedometer, and polished the speed limit signs that sit along Neutrino's normal route. But yesterday, their hopes were crushed.
Edgar Neutrino was attempting to get back to his headquarters with €30,000 worth of stolen goods when the police caught him speeding once again. They apprehended him, and now he faces court with two charges of speeding on top of the other minor crimes that led to his downfall.
When interviewed about it, Neutrino said only, "I was trying to make a point. If I can break the speed limit, then obviously it does not exist."
- Brian Vastag "Second experiment confirms faster-than-light particles". Washington Post, November 18, 2011