UnNews:Neighbor Blasts Dance Music At 3 AM; Presumed Insane
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Neighbor Blasts Dance Music At 3 AM; Presumed Insane
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 23:13 (UTC)
Last night, at 3:00 AM, an annoying neighbor (known only as Tom) woke up two of his neighbors down the hall by blasting dance music at extremely high decibel levels.
"I don't know what he was [explicit] thinking! He must be insane!" declared John Sanders, a man who's apartment is next door to Tom's. "I don't have anything wrong with people partying, but at three o'clock in the morning? Without warning us? And not only that, I think he was in there by himself!"
Sanders wasn't the only one who found Tom's actions annoying, bordering crazy. Matt Ryan of room 204 states: "I don't know what Tom was thinking, all I know is that whatever it was, it somehow managed to get him to come to the conclusion that playing Haddaway's What Is Love at two million [explicit] decibels while everyone else was sleeping, was smart. He's insane!"
When inquired as to whether they were going to confront Tom about the subject, both Sanders and Ryan were hesitant. "I don't know," said Sanders, nervously, "What if he like, attacks me or something? These kinds of people are unpredictable, you know?"
Ryan agreed, and added that Tom had always been kind of weird. "He's always running up to me in the halls and saying high, in these strange, funny voices. He's constantly pulling stupid tricks for attention, and gets outside a lot. Now I'm no shrink, but he seems like your average recluse/psycho."
Tom was not available for comment, as he was allegedly going to the park to "play some hackey-sack and pick up some chicks."