UnNews:Necrophilia okay in Wisconsin
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27 July 2007
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MAD MADISON, Wisconsin - Wisconsin, long known for its liberal attitude toward sex (the legislature once toyed with the idea of decreeing the addition of “The Kinkier the Better” to drivers' license plates as its official state slogan), has given the green light, as it were, to necrophilia.
“If we’re going to allow abortions, homosex, lesbian lip locks, and sex between and among minors, how can we, in good conscience, say no to sex with the dead?” Congressman Bob (“The Human Cadaver”) Logan asked Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “Just because they’ve been laid to rest doesn’t mean that the dead have no rights ,” he suggested, “including the most fundamental right of all--the right to get laid.”
The issue of cadavers’ conjugal rights came to light recently, when a rookie police officer, Mike Wright, arrested a trio of grave robbers who’d dug up the remains of a young woman after seeing her photograph in the local newspaper’s obituary column. Twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and their bisexual friend, Dustin Radke, all 21, dug up the body of Laura Tennessen, 20, a resident of Cassville Cemetery, intending to have “intimate relations” with the corpse, Wright declared in his complaint against the would-be rapists.
“Laura was a real hottie,” Nicholas said.
“Even in death, she was a babe,” Alexander agreed.
“She wouldn’t give any of us the time of day when she was alive,” Radke admitted, “but, dead, she couldn’t resist us.” He chuckled, adding, “I guess you could say Nick, Alex, and I are irresistible, after all.”
Tennessen was killed a week earlier in a motorcycle accident, but, according to Radke, “the mortician did a real good job of embalming her.”
Based upon Patrolman Wright’s complaint, the district attorney filed attempted third-degree sexual assault and misdemeanor attempted theft charges against the three lotharios. However, Grant County Circuit Court Judge George Curry (no relation to outlaw Kid Curry) dismissed the sexual assault charges, telling Wright, “nice try, but no dice,” because Wisconsin does not criminalize sexual relations with the dead.
Hollywood talent scouts have reportedly approached Tenneesen’s relatives with the suggestion that she star in an upcoming movie, Zombie Girls Gone Wild, which is scheduled to begin filming in early 2008. No reports have suggested that the Grunke twins or Radke have been asked to star in the forthcoming film.
- Lotta Lies "Wisconsin protects rights of the dead to “get laid”". Instant News, 28 seconds ago