UnNews:Navy snipers out $500 over missed target
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Navy snipers out $500 over missed target
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 04:39:UTC)(
14 April 2009
While Americans cheered Obama saying "job well done", the verdict on board ship was not so joyous. "We missed!", laments a member of the Black Team. "Now we're two points behind. Unless these Somali pirates go hog wild, we'll never catch up."
In keeping with house rules, written by sailors worried that their paychecks might get spent at ports friendlier than Mogadishu, the Black Team had to scrape together $500 on the spot to stake against their probable loss.
Kevin Zaney, the losing sniper who missed the center zone by over three quarters of an inch, refused to comment for our interview. At least, not with anything we could print. But members of the Blue Team tell us that he blamed his loss on Muslim jokes the White Team kept telling on the radio. "A Sniper should hit his target no matter the rolling deck or the fire ants biting his leg or the hooker going down on him. Zaney let his team down."
With the official results recorded, the bodies will be handed over to the pirates tomorrow at a pep rally for the Blue Team, which is now in the lead. "We were going to dump them off the side and let the crabs pick them over," said one source who asked not to be identified, "But we made a deal..." Under the terms of the deal, the pirates will talk a low-ranking member into committing a "suicide bombing" by placing a powerful Mexican M-80 in his rectum at the Mogadishu Market while a film crew for 1000 Ways To Die rolls film. The pirates give their big shots the halal treatment, the film crew gets to follow a guy bleeding out the butthole around Mogadishu while he tries to find a doctor, and the Blue Team? "All proceeds benefit the forces who protect our nation from terrorism", one fellow says with a smile.
|This article was written by a civilian. Please do not blame our heroic pirate slayers for any small inaccuracies of fact.|