|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
9 June 2008
Federal Communications Commission building, Washington, D.C., In a controversial move that may put all animal documentaries ever filmed in peril, the FCC, a branch of the American government in charge of making cool shows unwatchable by young viewers, voted 3-2 in favor of giving all of nature on Earth the rating of NC-17. This means that any minor may not go outside without being accompanied by a mature adult, and that nature will be banned until it "gets its act together".
Nature has been ordered to cease and desist from its evolution-based antics and become more pleasant in the next year or it will be relegated to advanced cable, never to be seen again. The FCC recommends that carnivorous or sexual activities be stopped immediately in place of more family friendly programming, such as butterflies and bees collecting pollen. Banned animals include all the big cats, wolves, the African Giraffe, frogs and their cousins, the toads, leeches, bats, snakes and those fucking awesome glow-in-the-dark deepsea fishies. Animals on the approved list include foxes, kitties, puppies, dolphins, seals, baby foxes, baby dolphins, baby seals and young baby foxes. Nature has yet to make the banned animals extinct, and may not do so in time, however the National Park and Forest Service has given hope, saying that 50 species of animals go extinct per week.
Kevin Martin, the chairman of the FCC, issued the following statement: "After several decades of battling with the powerful Nature Documentary lobby, reason has finally won out over cold, hard cash and tickets to see Bobo the Musical Dolphin." Mr. Martin and the other conservatives on the board, claim the rating a victory for the Republican pro-family agenda.
"Did you see that one episode on Animal Planet the other night?" said member Diana Temple, "-The one where all those poor kitties are starving in the Mala Mala Game Reserve? That was really sad, and I don't think little children should be exposed to that kind of sadness." Miss Temple reclined and added, "Also, it was a little intense when those leopards tried to eat each other."
Biologists are outraged at the motion. Jack Horner, a respected Paleontologist at the University of Montana, said that "...although nature is full of blood, screaming, sexual groans, and cannibalism, it relates directly to the daily human life. We should not remove ourselves so far from nature and it's cannibalism. Nature and its extreme, horrifying violence is what makes this job exciting. For example, did you know that eagles eat their weakest children? Now THAT'S how families should operate, in my humble opinion."
Nature itself, with its recent thrashing and raping of the midwest via tornadoes and rampant floods, had nothing else to add.
Parents for Awesome Television, which promotes the canceling of all cool T.V. shows, was the originator of the complaint against nature. Among their complaints were "a definite lack of Christian ethics, including rampant homosexuality, evolution, and, worst of all, sex before, or even without, marriage!"
Two of the five board members are Democrats, and spoke with us candidly. "I thought it was pretty hot to see those lions gettin' it on," said junior member George Castle, "Where else will kids learn techniques like that? In their parent's bedrooms? I don't think so. If only my parents had been more like those lions in their sexual escapades, I wouldn't have had to remarry three times. Watching nature documentaries when I was a lad primed me for real life."
Former pastor and senior member Tom Fakename claims that nature documentaries and nature itself is very inappropriate for younger viewers-slash-humans. "Did you know that there are bugs that lay eggs inside bigger bugs, and when they hatch they eat the bigger bug alive from the inside??" Hieron stroked his coif and continued. "I mean, I don't see how that information helps me in my daily life at all! How does this help someone get a job, for example? That's what children should be learnin' about, not some damn bugs eatin' other bugs! We get too much of that already. Television should be helpin' us and our children get jobs, not... bugs...?"
The FCC has sent a bill to Congress that makes it illegal for children under 18 to be either in, near, or by a natural setting, including forests, clearings, parks, oceans, lakes, rivers, jungles, savannas, deserts, tundras, or icebergs without a mature adult present. All nature documentaries, past, present, and future, are now rated at least NC-17. If there is any sexual (or asexual) reproduction shown in the film, the rating will be expanded to X. The bill, if passed, will list all of the banned animals as wanted criminals and make their evolution illegal.
Republican congress members are delighted, as well as some Democrats. "Nature is too open and free. We need to control it, like we got those negroes and fags under control." Said sen. John Cornyn (R-Tx). "We can control ANYTHING with enough legislation, provided they aren't guns or the right to be a Christian!"
Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Al) added more: "Nature is not at ALL like the free-market economy that Republicans desire. Whereas there are NO rules in nature, besides those Jesus bestowed upon it shortly before his untimely demise at the hands of the Jews, free-market capitalism will have the rule of human decency to guide America to prosperitah."
The other Democratic member of the FCC, Bobo the musical dolphin, had this to say regarding the rating decision: "eeeee! EEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE!" While bobbing his head up and down, Bobo played the national anthem on his squeeky toys and played in front of our camera. Bobo's trainer said that, while this is all Bobo ever does, he was very disturbed by the news.
The Congress's 17 member animal coalition, headed by Tonto the signing chimp, is aggressively against the new legislation. Two of the senior members, the pair Chad and Kenya, were last seen stalking Kevin Martin soon after the announcement. If anyone has any knowledge of the pair's whereabouts, please contact the Capitol police and Animal control immediately! The National Guard has issued a warning for citizens in the tri-state area to not make any sudden movements or loud noises until the situation is under control.