UnNews:Nationwide Toothpaste Ban
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Nationwide Toothpaste Ban
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 16:08:UTC)(
10 December 2006
|This news story is currently being recorded as an audio file by NeoZidane (yes he's back, with added insomnia).|
|Sayeth NeoZidane (yes he's back, with added insomnia): "Hold on... this one's mine!"|
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Around three 'o clock this morning at O'Hare International Airport, two unarmed French men attempted to bring an H-bomb onto flight 245. A random search was conducted on them after one of the men proclaimed, “Nous n’avons pas de bombe!” Security detained the men immediately upon the discovery of the bomb. The bomb squad carefully removed the bomb to a distant location in order to inactivate it, removing the imminent nuclear threat from the American people.
The men had been drinking only a few hours before they left their hotel for the airport. Vincent DuChete was still intoxicated during the time of his interrogation. Victor DuChete no longer had any alcohol in his system, but admitted to drinking with his brother the previous night.
After a few short hours of interrogation, Vincent DuChete told authorities, "We wanted to bomb America to prove that we have the ability to win the war!" When questioned to which war he was referring to, DuChete responded, "The nuclear war. We want to be like North Korea!"
Victor DuChete, Vincent's brother, a well-established psychiatrist, told authorities that sodium fluoride alters brain chemistry dramatically, blocking large amounts of dopamine, therefore having similar effects to those of antipsychotics. "Furthermore, antipsychotics are well-known for their unpleasant effects, including impairing cognitive abilities. We had just brushed our teeth at our hotel with a new brand...eh, Colgate, the kind George Bush uses. It apparently blocks more dopamine receptors than Crest, therefore our thought process was unclear. We were completely unaware of our dangerous states of mind and needn't take any responsibility for the possession of this nuclear bomb.”
James Fox, the president of Colgate, claims that their toothpaste doesn't suppress the production of dopamine. Sophia Brown, the vice-president of Colgate, angrily added that they are delusional, that the DuChetes were under the influence of alcohol during the time of the incident. "Colgate had no influence on the actions of these men," Fox said.
Despite Colgate's claims that its product is safe, the American government has placed a temporary recall on all Colgate toothpaste until further notice.