UnNews:National Geographic Rediscovers Target Audience
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1 March 2007
TORONTO, ONT -- Today, amongst doubts, the National Geographic Society released its marketing strategy for Q1 during their monthly stock-holders meeting. The new marketing strategy ushers a return to the magazine's origins, which in past decades brought the publication into several households across America. The Society cites a 30% decline in profits compared to the previous fiscal year. Acting Chair Trustee of the National Geographic Society, Guy Whitey spoke of the recent financial troubles;
"When we discovered that the Society was nearly bankrupt, [the trustees] racked [their] minds for weeks trying to locate the shortage... turns out people weren't buying the damn magazines." When asked what the new marketing approach would be, he had this to say: "Pre-teen boys like looking at pictures of topless African women, it's the approach that made the National Geographic Society so successful in the first place and we've forgotten our roots; we were fools to ever mess with the formula."
Guy Whitey went on to elaborate on the difficult road ahead; "We've lost our main audience to the hardcore porn web sites, and we're going to somehow bring our readers back. If it's obvious to parents that we've started supplementing what were once harmless articles with gangbangs at double dongers and the like, they won't buy the magazine for their children - but if we don't advertise, how will the kids know where to turn to? Beats the fuck out of me. Either way, we're going to have to come up with a new kind of Ultra Porn."
How exactly the Society plans to implement its new policy is still considered insider information, to which this reporter was refused access after declining to purchase a magazine subscription. However, it is known that later this month, a vote amongst the stock-holders will be held for approval of a proposal to change the magazine's publication name to Cum-Chugging Whores.