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8 June 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- The US Homeland Security Department raised the National Gay Marriage threat level from "fruity" to "flamboyant" today, in response to increased "gay chatter" intercepted by Intelligence agencies. Secretary Chertoff urged citizens to "be vigilant, and on the lookout for queers", but to keep their daily routines as normal as possible in order to keep the economy strong.
National Guard reserve units, as well as extra police, FBI agents, and Protestant Ministers, were deployed in high-risk areas, such as Massachusetts and California. Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger declared that he will "not tolerate the state being taken over by girly-men". Tensions have been high ever since San Francisco temporarily allowed gay marriages to occur a year ago, inducing a panic in the area.
The hot-pink alert level of "Flamboyant" is the second highest on the color-coded scale, sitting just below the magenta level of "Flaming Homo". The color-coded system is as follows:
- Teal. Threat Level "Manly". Gay marriage ban gaining support; monster truck rally attendance high.
- Chartreuse. Threat Level "In the Closet". Low risk of gay marriage; husband's frequent business trips to San Francisco and detours to highway rest stops on drive home from work go unquestioned.
- Lemon. Threat Level "Fruity". Moderate risk of gay marriage. Little rainbow flag stickers on shop windows. Over Thanksgiving dinner, awkward but polite inquiry made after the health of your spinster aunt's long-term female "roommate".
- Lavender. Threat Level "Lesbian". Lesbian couples buying houses in your neighborhood to raise their children conceived using donor sperm and a turkey baster. Also activates the Vegan alarm system.
- Hot Pink. Threat Level "Flamboyant". Imminent risk of gay marriage; non-binding commitment ceremonies in Provincetown, the Hamptons and the San Francisco Manhole Club occur. Suspiciously well-dressed men on street; pride parades. Dude, did that guy just hit on me?
- Magenta. Threat Level "Flaming". Gay marriages occur in droves. Armed mobs of homosexuals, backed-up by militant Unitarians and Quakers, storm suburbs forcing hetero couples to divorce and remarry partners of same sex. Ann Coulter comes out: End of Days.
The system was first created in 2001, after Massachusetts legalized same-sex civil unions. At the time, President Bush declared the beginning of a global "War on Gayness", which continues to this day.
Just last week the Pentagon declared there will be additional Priest deployments to Holland and Norway - two countries where civil liberties have been taken to the extreme. Activists from Holland, thought to be part of the shadowy international homosexual network, "al Gayda", were directly implicated in 2001's legalizations of same sex unions in certain US states, but the link between Norway and US gay activity is dubious.
Critics of the "Norwegian War" are worried about US troops and conservative pundits getting unecessarily sucked into a Scandinavian quagmire, and have questioned whether the war is really the best way to fight homosexuality, or if the US was simply there to seize control of Norway's vast deposits of North Sea oil. But Bush reiterated his mantra that it's better that, "we fight the gays over there, so that we don't have to fight them on our own soil".
Meanwhile, at a Pentagon press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld denied assertions that the war was becoming bogged down and was basically unwinnable. "We're going to stamp out all trace of gayness", said Rumsfeld. "Is that easy? Well, no. Of course not. But considering the difficulties, it's going well. In fact, I'd say our effort has been going better than well. Things have been fabulous".
While no specific threat has been revealed by Homeland Security, anonymous sources report that liberal Universities are particularly vulnerable. Reportedly, "activist professors" in certain institutions are part of hidden "sleeper cells" of homosexual groups, and they openly promote gay rights to their students. The recent NSA wiretapping program was created to root out precisely such enemies.
Congress, meanwhile, scheduled an emergency session to debate funding for new technologies in the War on Gayness. Troops have been complaining of inadequate equipment, but a new device developed by Halliburton could prove to be a breakthrough in the war. The device, called "Gay Detection and Ranging", or simply by its acronym, GAYDAR, is capable of detecting homosexuals within a 100 yard radius. Up till now, accurate detection was possible only at close distances, which too often proved to be too late, with the observer quickly succumbing to sexual gyrations from the gay individual being tracked.
In response to the increased threat level, the Vatican ordered Catholic churches in the United States to lock their doors, hide their Barbra Streisand CDs and paint their altars with horribly clashing colors, in an attempt to prevent gays from physically entering the church and getting married. The Pope appealed to all local bishops to be extra vigilant, and to keep an eye out for covert gay priests.
It is unclear how long the gay marriage threat level will remain at "flamboyant", but experts speculate it could very well last until this year's election day. The reason for this, according to the Department of Homo Security, is that "Those guys really come out during the warmer parts of the year, but are usually forced to retreat into their ungodly homosexual spider holes before the winter chill sets upon them".