UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
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National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 14:23:UTC)(
10 February 2007
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SOMEWHERE – the National Federation of the Blond has issued an urgent warning to all young ladies between the ages of 18 and 30 to dye their hair immediately following the death of Anna Nicole Smith – just in time for breaking news from the Democratic Party. This comes as only the latest of a series of unusually-timed incidents in which a blonde has mysteriously disappeared or outright died just as important developments were brewing in the political world. Intrigued by this interesting series of coincidences, we at UnNews asked a spokeswoman for the Federation to learn more.
"What we've seen is that every time something big happens that could have a major impact on American lives, a blonde girl mysteriously disappears, and the subsequent investigations cause television networks to devote more airtime to the 'interesting' disappearance rather than the 'boring' political developments," the anonymous spokesperson explained. "While we haven't yet found a motivation – it could be anything from a Republican attempt to stay in power, or just a cheap trick to keep audiences watching cable TV news, but considering that it happens literally every time something big is about to happen it can hardly be mere coincidence. Not that we're complaining about the free publicity, of course."
Out of a concern for the safety of fellow blondes, the Federation has issued a public service announcement further explaining the issue, currently published in all major tabloid magazines, fashion catalogs, entertainment networks, and obnoxious flashing banner ads – especially the kind with the little games in them – and urging all potentially affected blondes to dye their hair and keep up-to-date with important political developments so that they will no longer be in quite as much danger.
The unknown perpetrator responsible for the disappearances was not available for comment...