UnNews:National Day of Prayer ruined by godless protestors
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
National Day of Prayer ruined by godless protestors
Democracy Dies with Dignity
Monday, March 19, 2018, 21:27:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
WASHINGTON DC -- Nearly half a dozen heads bowed in a small, simple National Day of Prayer ceremony on Friday, almost bringing part of a full block of the Capitol to a halt. Most of the assembled crowd at the lunch hour ceremony sat and ate quietly, then quickly departed to spread the Good News.
"We planned for a small ceremony, but set up six hundred chairs and a giant PA system just in case local followers of false religions, like Buddhism, atheism and 'other' picked today to convert." said Jeff Gannon, spokesman for the organization that hosted the event, the International Bible Reading Association. "As good, devout Protestants we don't need to make a big show out of something simple and personal like faith, unlike those Mary-worshipping Catholics!"
The United States of America, a Christian nation founded by fundamentalist luminaries like Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine and some other guys, avoided the religious schisms and wars that plagued Europe by separating Church and State into Church and Also Church. This simple idea, or "wall", protected the various Christian sects from the sullying effects of politics, and allowed politicians to be freely guided by good biblical values. Under the watchful eye of this protective wall, America flourished and the small number of Protestant denominations that existed when America was formed bloomed, giving Americans a bunch of new reasons to look down on their neighbors.
"We didn't really want to be here at all," continued Mr. Gannon. "For us, prayer is a private affair. We simply don't feel the need to push our religion down other people's throats, unlike those stinkin' atheists across the street!"
Mere feet from Mr. Gannon, three other Christians, thirty lunch-eating tourists and five hundred and sixty empty chairs huddled a filthy hoard of as many as six drug-addled, sex-crazed atheists. Most were unkempt with scraggly beards and a crazy, godless look in their eyes. All carried 'bongs', an insidious device used to inject "the drugs" directly into the bloodstream.
"Woo! Go away, religionists!" screamed one protestor between "hits" from his "bong", "Let us force our relative morality on you, but keep your holiness and piety out of public schools and government! Woo!"
Atheists have repeatedly attempted to force their godless ways on the rest of the nation, with such unjust acts such as tearing monuments inscribed with the Ten Commandments from courthouse steps and blasphemously declaring that having "God" on money is wrong.
"Woo! I hate God!" yelled another atheist after the earlier one passed out from having too much of "the drugs". "Woo!"
"I hope that before the Rapture they stop hating the God that they don't believe in." flawlessly countered Jeff Gannon. "We're all about good family values. They're all about wallowing in the moral filth of premarital sex, marital sex and post-marital sex."
Jeff Gannon, a conservative Protestant, has never heard of a pervert named James Guckert who looks just like him and used to be a homosexual prostitute. This is a lie spread by the liberal media to smear his good name, which didn't exist back in 2005 when he was a completely different James Guckert who looked just like himself.
"The liberal media doesn't want you to hear this, but I can't say this enough; we don't want America to be a theocracy." closed Mr. Gannon. "We simply want it to be lead by a literal interpretation of the Bible. Bad things happen when people lose sight of the important things, such as being against gay marriage and being for not allowing homosexuals to tie the knot. These sicko atheists keep trying to distract us with pointless minutiae like the national debt and the preposterous theories of global climate change and Darwinism."
"Woo!" closed the hastily appointed representative for the damned, Rick Wingrove, before he left to purchase pornography and worship Satan.