UnNews:Nation in panic as meteorologists predict end of World
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Nation in panic as meteorologists predict end of World
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 17:17:UTC)(
9 March 2007
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Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles, California -- Nationwide panic was felt today by all Americans, as the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles, California reported that the world had an estimated 9 hours to live, due to a meteor roughly 12 times Earth's size, headed straight for us. Canada, Russia, China, and Iraq have yet to be notified of the world's imminent end, although it has been reported that British Prime Minister Tony Blair was seen bathing in a chocolate caramel swimming pool today. This has always been a dream of his, that he wanted to accomplish before his death. This confirmed that Britain most likely knows.
Worldwide, people have taken part in this dream chasing. All stores have been closed down around the world, and all store owners have taken up professional baseball careers, in an effort to add some meaning to their pathetic lives. As a result, everything in the world, for this special one time offer, is FREE! Unfortunately, numerable fights have broken out all around, and it is said that there simply aren't enough diamond studded Corvettes for everyone. Some have suggested sharing, or taking turns, but this has only resulted in several decapitations.
The stock market has plummeted to below freezing, as several high ranking, prestigious businessmen have been seen running out of large office buildings, throwing up papers and screaming like fucking lunatics. Steve Ballmer was also seen running in this manner from the Microsoft building, although when it was found to be Ballmer, he was left alone for fact that it was simply normal for him.
Recently, mediocre journalists such as myself were feeling so dejected and down, that they started indenting more.
- I'm not sure how this has helped the situation,
- but it makes us feel as though we have more
- news to report,
- and like we're more important.
The indentation craze isn't the worst of it though. Breaking news suggests that the world is officially out of its public supply of germanchokolatecake ice cream, killing off 4 million people just at the mention of it, and placing several in hospitals. This has not done much good, due to the fact that the hospitals have all been evacuated, and all the electricity has been cut off to them.
President Bush was also seen today, flying up into the air, in what appeared to be some sort of space ship, or blimp, or balloon or something. He was reportedly clicking his heels together screaming, "AIN'T NO PLACE LIKE TEXAS, BITCHES!" On a related note, conspiracy theorists protested in the streets with megaphones, that this wasn't the end of the world, but simply a government hoax. However, Alex Jones was reportedly seen just 4 minutes ago, being crushed by a large piece of falling debris. It was later found that this was actually a rock dropped by Bush upon his exit.
As time winds down, we can only pray that maybe the meteor misses. But...I mean, what happens if we DO survive? The world is a mess! We'll never be able to recover! Maybe we're just....all better off dead....GODDAMIT!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE THAT HAS EARNED US THIS CRUEL FATE!!! KILL ME!!! STRIKE ME DOWN NOW!!! KILL ME I SAY!!! FUCKING KILL M-