UnNews:Natalie Wood's death certificate changed from "Accidental" to "Robert's guilty as hell" to "Undetermined" to sound nicer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Natalie Wood's death certificate changed from "Accidental" to "Robert's guilty as hell" to "Undetermined" to sound nicer
Where man always bites dog
Saturday, December 3, 2016, 22:14:UTC)(
11 July 2012
HOLLYWOOD, USA -- Whenever the topic of Natalie wood comes up, I want to scream. I want to scream on her behalf at Robert Wagner for the undignified way she died and I want to scream at her for being idiosyncratic with her sexual attitude which ultimately factored into her "accident".
People have disagreed with me over the years as to the circumstances of her tragic passing and yesterday, a small but significant change on her death certificate, may prompt Mr. Wagner to finally come forward with the truth and may prompt me to say "told you so" when I next see O.J.
Smacking your wife around in anger is a terrible thing to do but if your wife has had sex with Christopher Walken you are surely going to go nuts. Can you imagine having a conversation about it on a small boat? Christopher using his very unique voice to tell you: "I... had SEX, with your WIFE. That deserves a TOAST" If she was my wife she'd be taking a swim at that point too and I'd be in jail very quickly as it's 2012 and very different from 1981 when we didn't have the technology to determine death from being thrown into the ocean from a splendid boat.
What was the pathologist thinking? To look at her autopsy file is very emotional and eery but makes the reader angry for having a better judgement than the so-called expert. The bruises make no sense! She would have to have been thrown overboard multiple times! Throwing your wife in the ocean has a feel good factor of exactly ONCE for most angry husbands.
How did the night of her death unfold? Here is my theory: The first significant mistake of the evening is three giant egos going out for dinner. Christopher Walken is the hot new guy taking Hollywood by storm and any girl he wants, by whichever weather system he chooses; Robert Wagner is an aging actor with a frustrated career but a hot wife; Natalie Wood is just plain accustomed to being kowtowed to by drooling men and for playing mind games with her husband and any fella in the room. The evening starts normally enough until alcohol alters their conversation to their favorite topic; themselves. Christopher goes on about his own career: "I... have... a CAREER. I WON, an Oscar.. for a FILM". At this stage Robert Wagner is getting just slightly irked but says nothing. Natalie drinks further amounts of wine, within an hour, her mannerisms are starting to embarrass Robert and poke at his ego further, he likens her to a slut in his mind. The pokes at his ego have manifested as anger by the time they leave the restaurant and take the dingy back to their yacht.
On board the Splendor, they are in their second significant mistake of the evening - a confined space. Robert, already angry and deeply hurt by his wife, may have have tried to retain his feelings in FACT I'm sure of it. He finally explodes when Christopher dares to talk of his wife's career and what she should do. That is the last straw regarding Natalie as HIS wife, HIS property. Robert breaks a wine bottle to intimidate Christopher and by all accounts it works. Christopher eventually goes to the guest cabin at the front end of the boat and out of the equation. It is when Natalie and Robert are alone in their cabin that the third significant mistake of the evening occurs; discussions of infidelity while surrounded by water. Her sexual behavior since she was a teenager and blase attitude comes to a head when Natalie insults Robert for the last time in whatever way she said or did. He loses it in their cabin, BIG TIME. He didn't mean to hurt his wife and she didn't deserve the situation but we are dealing with raw emotions! If we look from his perspective, he adored his wife and all she did was make a fool of him. Ownership of a wife (that is how men feel) and the ape genes we still carry to protect that ownership can occasionally end up where a husband has killed his wife and moments later wondered how? "She just fell". He knew her biggest fear was water and in a split second she was struggling for her life. From the time of the physical fight in their stateroom to Natalie Wood being in the water was seconds rather than minutes.
Why he's a stupid twonk and should be in jail is that he made no attempt to save her! He knew she would ruin him so he let her drift away but gave her the dingy in case she wanted to go for a little row to somewhere like Mexico. He was no doubt planning his own affair with Christopher Walken too, hoping for female leads in films, instead ending up a number 2. One final INTRIGUING clue is in the film Catch Me If You Can. Christopher Walken's character receives an award from a mayor by the name of Robert Wagner. A coincidence? In a film about a criminal avoiding jail? No, another poke in the eye from Christopher, hence the need for an eye patch.