UnNews:Natalie Wood's death certificate: Change suggests anything from a human to a seal could have killed her

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

24 August 2012

Cuteseal

Robert, you are free to go. We have the little shit that did it

HOLLYWOOD, USA -- Clearly, the coroner in Los Angeles feels something is amiss concerning the circumstances of actress Natalie Wood's death. They have changed the death certificate to - in my transliteration - "Someone murdered her but we don't suspect anyone who was on the boat".

Wood, aged 43 and a veteran in Hollywood at the time, fell mysteriously into the pacific ocean from her yacht, the Splendor, during thanksgiving weekend of 1981.

Her husband, Robert Wagner, to many, is the prime suspect in the case. It seems the coroner's office doesn't agree - he's not a suspect, so they say. So if Robert Wagner isn't a suspect and Christopher Walken was never a suspect, why is her death being treated as suspicious? It has to be called an accident then surely? The likelihood of Natalie, herself, jumping into the water, is a remote possibility - Natalie had a phobia of water. Suicide is ruled out.

My own print out of the death certificate keeps changing too, the tippex is making a mess. At the moment, I'm laying blame firmly on a gang of mafia seals. The Coroner's office has left me with no other viable explanation. They are certain it is suspicious and unexplained but they aren't treating anyone aboard the boat that night as a murderer. If no one pushed her in, something must have logically pulled her in. I had a deep journalistic think and seals were the best I could come up with.

My new theory is that a group of seals came to the surface smiling - all cute and cuddly looking. Natalie naturally wanted to say hello to these "wovwy wittle seals" (cute seals can make a grown woman talk like Elmer Fudd). What she didn't know was, these were MAFIA seals - a very rare genus of seal which originated in the waters around New Jersey. They migrated west to California during the great depression. They set up gambling joints, employing other sea life in their casinos. They began to realize rich humans like to play on yachts. They would steal everything they could when the humans weren't looking. On Nov 29th 1981, they planned to board the Splendor and steal all the loot they could get their flippers on. The plan was to distract Natalie with cuteness while two other seals went aboard to do the job.

What the cute seals in the water didn't know was, Natalie was as drunk as a skunk. The seals had never met a skunk, so their comparison/judgement skills were low. Reaching down to pet one of the seals, she lost her balance and fell in. The seals gave each other "Oh shit" looks. The seals did their best to help her and even untied the dinghy so that she might get into it but she didn't have the strength, due to intoxication and shock. All the seals could do was swim away heart broken. No seal in the gang had ever brought harm to a human. The casinos soon closed their waves.

To test my theory, I went to San Diego Zoo. I asked an old seal there if he knows anything about Natalie Wood. He wouldn't talk, so I offered him a month's supply of sushi. He suddenly said, "Ruh-ebel wuh-ithout a cuh-ause?" I was dumb-struck. His voice was rough but understandable. I told him how she passed away and he nodded. He disappeared into his underwater house and came back with a necklace. "Ruh-obert puh-ushed", he said before swimming away.

Firstly, that is cool of the San Diego Zoo to play the seals old James Dean movies and secondly, I now have a seal witness. They were there but they didn't do anything wrong. To me, Robert is still the reason why Natalie Wood died on that cold November evening in 1981. No matter what ridiculous notion-in-the-ocean you attach. Basically, I want to say, "Sea pigs might fly" at Robert Wagner's innocence. At the very least, he knows what happened to her.

This is agent Ashton for UnNews.

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