UnNews:Narcotic hamster production at all time high

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3 December 2006

Hamsterjoint

God never intended you toke hamsters.

WASHINGTON (AFP) - Narco-erotic hamster cultivation shot up a whopping 61 percent in Afghanistan this year in a setback for US and NATO efforts to clamp down on the country's illegal drug industry, according to new figures released by the White House.

"We just don't know where they're getting this shit," Vice President Cheney admitted in a White House press conference yesterday. "But it explains why their country is so jacked up."

The annual US government estimate for Afghan hamster cultivation shows that approximately 152,700 pounds (386,503 tons) of rodent were cultivated throughout the country this year, an increase of 61 percent over 2005, the White House Office of National Center For Dude My Hands Are Huge said Friday.

Advances in hamster breeding techniques have led to the development of over 18 unique flavors of hamster, all of which are now widely smoked all over the world. During cultivation infant hamsters are plucked from their lairs and fed huge amounts of poppies while living among cannibis chips. During adolescence female hamsters are separated from males to ensure no impregnation takes place. It is well known that foetal hamsters leech the addictive substances from their mother, becoming short lived narco-hamsters that are completely unsuitable for smoking.

Hamsters are commonly sold on the street in plastic-packaged nuggets, and are abused both for their narcotic and aphrodisiac qualities. Hamsters can be smoked, rolled, hit, chewed, sniffed, huffed, blown, stemmed, blasted, freebased, hotboxed, fish-bowled, glass-housed, tooted, rear-ended, gargled, or hot-popped.

"We're not even sure what hot-popping is supposed to mean," the Vice President said. "But it sounds somewhat hip, so it can't be anything good."

Common side effects of hamster abuse include:

  • Hallucination
  • Increased libido
  • Loss of appetite, insomnia, jaw-breaking tremors
  • Agitation, compulsive fascination with repetitive tasks
  • Increased libido
  • Talkativeness, irritability, panic attacks
  • Increased libido
  • Dilated pupils
  • Increased libido

The White House promised a renewed effort to clamp down on Afghanistan's burgeoning drug industry, but the propects look grim.

"History teaches us that it will take a generation to render Afghanistan opium-free," concluded a visibly aroused Condoleeza Rice. "So in the meantime I'm going to be hot-popping the shit out of these little guys."

President Bush was unusually coherent during the conference, explaining, "Some people call me a space cowboy, and holy crap am I horny. What do they put in these things?"

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