UnNews:Naomi sucks out brains of all newspaper readers for 500 mile radius
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17 January 2007
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Campbell has been appearing before the court over allegations that she threw a mobile phone at her housekeeper after she could not find a pair of $200 jeans she wanted to wear for an appearance on the TV show Oprah. No shit. "I am advised that Ana was hurt, and I am deeply sorry about that," she said, possibly remembering the $390,000 settlement last time she beat on the help.
Campbell wore four-inch stiletto heels, a thin gold anklet on her right leg under sheer black hose, a formfitting Rachel Roy black dress under a charcoal gray, waist-length Louis Vuitton jacket and several gold chains around her neck, because those are obviously the most newsworthy possible facts about a court hearing over an assault.
She was sentenced to five days community service and ordered to attend a clue management course. Her lawyer said that any such service would have to be "palatable," preferring to see his client engaged in something press-worthy like fund-raising for cancer or AIDS research. The judge told him, in polite judicial talk, to "fuck off."
Commentators read this story and declared Ms Campbell "too offensively stupid to warrant continued oxygen." However, there was no evidence that Ms Campbell was in fact not an anaerobic lifeform.