UnNews:Naomi Campbell begins sentence
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Naomi Campbell begins sentence
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 10:35:UTC)(
19 March 2007
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CHARTRUESE ZONE, Iraq -- Supermodel Naomi Campbell has begun her five day tour of Iraq, as punishment for throwing a live grenade at a hotel maid.
Campbell, 36, arrived in high heels with M16 with M203 grenade launcher slung over her shoulder. Dozens of photographers witnessed her arrival, but a judge has allowed the model to work as an Apache attack helicopter pilot during the day and to engage in covert spec-ops missions at night, "to avoid the media scrum".
Campbell pleaded guilty in January after hitting Ana Poptittats in the back of the head with a fragmentation grenade during a row last March. Campbell was sentenced to a five days frontline tour of Afghanistan, which was reduced to Iraq on appeal.
She was also ordered to pay medical bills for her injured housekeeper who lost both legs and an eye in the incident. Ana was philosophical in a statement read out after the trial, "Maybe those Iraqi insurgents can give Ms Campbell a piece of her own medicine!", she said graciously, "I hope they bring her home in a box." Poptittats added tearfully.
Campbell is being allowed to do her battle duties in private to avoid the media scrum which surrounded Boy George when he served alongside the US Marines in Afghanistan, as punishment for being a fat poof. Ironically, Boy George won the Medal of Honour during his service and is currently undergoing final selection for Delta Force.
Cpl Harry Shenanigan, who has served in Iraq for 196 years, analysis of whether Naomi will survive the rigours of the frontline was, however, rather bleak, "Once the lead starts flying I doubt she'll last long." he said this morning, "last year we had Robert Downie Jr and he had his left arm blown off within three hours of arriving. Poor bastard."
Campbell turned up a few minutes before her scheduled reporting time of 8am. She chatted to a seargent as he frog-marched her towards the runway where a huge transport was waiting to fly her and dozens of others (including, amongst others, socialite Paris Hilton who was, "doing a few days as a dare") off to Baghdad.
Campbell ignored the waiting media. But General Peter Crankbutt, of the US Marines, spoke to reporters outside the facility. "She one pretty lady aint she?" he said, drooling copiously.