UnNews:Nader decides to spoil the elections again
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Nader decides to spoil the elections again
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 14:20:UTC)(
25 February 2008
WASHINGTON, DC -- Consumer advocate Ralph Nader decided on Sunday that he will once again attempt to spoil the U.S. Presidential elections by putting himself in the running. Knowing that he would be unable to gather enough supporters for a support rally, he instead made the announcement during Sunday's taping of NBC's "Meet the Press." Host Tim Russert later revealed that "we didn't even invite Nader - he just sort of showed up, so I let him talk for a few minutes just out of pity."
Wearing his trademark tinfoil hat, Nader declared that "both major political parties are corrupt and run by the evil corporations." Many thought that Nader, who is even older than John McCain, was long dead, but apparently he was just hiding out from mobs still mad at him over Gore's 2000 election loss to a George Bush.
Democrats reacted with fear on news of the announcement. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean organized an emergency meeting with Hillary and Obama, telling them they must join forces in order to stand a chance of maintaining the Democrats' razor thin margin over Republicans. Talks are still ongoing, but things are not looking good, as Clinton reportedly threw a hissy-fit at the suggestion. Publically though, DNC chairman Dean is still optimistic, telling Democrats that "we're going all the way to Ohio, and Texas, and Florida, and all the way to take back the White House... yeeaarghh!"
Republicans meanwhile were ecstatic at the news. President Bush gathered key supporters at the White House, along with presumptive Republican nominee McCain. At a raucous party full of non-alcoholic Champagne and choke-free pretzels, conservatives joined in a Conga line chanting "We're gonna keep the White House... we're gonna keep the White House... cha cha cha!" The GOP has been confident that no candidate will spoil their vote with an independent campaign since January, when a team of plumbers handcuffed Alan Keyes to a bed, shoved a taser up his ass, and taped down the button. Keyes is now rumored to be vacationing at an American resort in Cuba.
One notable politician was particularly upset at the prospect of Nader's renewed
candidacy. Al Gore, still bitter at his loss 8 years ago, spent even longer than
usual sticking needles into his voodoo doll of Nader on Sunday night. Questioned
by reporters, he cryptically declared that "as soon as my electric car finishes
recharging, I'm grabbing my environmentally-friendly rifle to go get me some