UnNews:N Korea Submits To Mounting Imperialist Pressures
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N Korea Submits To Mounting Imperialist Pressures
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 19:59:UTC)(
30 July 2011
PYONGYANG, Fmr. DPR Korea--After little (or no) speculation, Generalissimo Kim Jong Il has relinquished all rights to the Korea after seen huffing a pile of mud. Diplomats from far and wide have welcomed the event 'as a change for once' in a country with such a booming economy.
Eyewitnesses allege that 'the Eternal Leader was hurrying to a party' when he was told that Imperialist fuel embargoes 'did not feel like' allowing him to travel. Subsequently he ordered his female companion to abscond with two bicycles and a kilogram of uranium ingots. When she refused, a scuffle broke out between the Generalissimo's left and right feet, forcing a nation's hope and will to his knees. Sumi, the local Party advocate implored reporters to believe that 'the Dear Leader merely gave his assent to UN-endorsed food aid packages,' instead of the widely-attested version that President Kim 'was huffing mud'.
Yet official Propaganda sources could not dispel stories that Kim had finally been 'pwn'd by Cthulhu' as our sister organisation, Radio Free Lunch proclaims. Chinese approval ratings of the centenarian had fallen to an all-time low of 146%, leading the PRC to dump the DPRK via telephone. To add fuel to the fire, Kim's obscure father admonished him thoroughly 'for publicly misusing private property.' This proved too much for our Dear Friend and he saw no option than to sell 'his bunch of playthings' to the Anarchist Chollima, llc. The latter party has declined to comment, however they hold a controlling stake in the Republic of Korea, llc, another Asian hedge-fund.
Many countries have been watching the results eagerly, whilst the former South Korea has expressed mixed feelings about the reunion. John (not his real name), a reclusive owner of a nearby farm answered rather harshly 'I'm too old for this c***.' This is a common attitude among most Koreans today, after fairly uniform protests across the cities of Korea have entered their sixth day in opposition to Unity.
Anarchist Chollima, llc. shares have surged in the past few hours to an all-time peak of $0.06. In the meantime, Generalissimo Kim from his mountain retreat was quoted as saying 'I can finally spend more time on the issues that matter, without any pesky evangelists on my doorstep.'