UnNews:NYPD officer arrests demon, promoted to captain
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NYPD officer arrests demon, promoted to captain
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 22:07:UTC)(
5 March 2009
NEW YORK, New York -- A police lieutenant, after working leads for seven months on his own time, arrested Azazel (chief of the goat-demons or "hairy demons") today near one of Tom Cruise's Scientology operations. Manny "Rent" Asunder, a 14 year NYPD veteran, collared the consigliere of organized crime's most feared family, demons.
District attorney Chubsey Votive has brought RICO charges against the so-called teflon demon for racketeering, illusory powers, mayhem, synchronised small animal torture, and being a generally bad influence on people.
As close advisor to He Who Shall Not Be Named, Azazel oversaw daily cash flow of millions of dollars, and was responsible for laundering profits, spreading pestilance and convincing priests to bugger little boys. He also ran his own cult devoted to promoting Communism and blowing goats.
Demons have had their claws into such illicit activities as gambling, banking, auto manufacturing, and ponzi operations up and down the Eastern Seaboard since the 1940's, when Melchom (the demon who carries the money purse or payer of servants) emigrated from East Hades to New York.
In 1953, Azazel crossed from the old country to join the by then well established demon crime family.