UnNews:NYMEX opens floor to Christian missionary futures
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NYMEX opens floor to Christian missionary futures
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 05:18:UTC)(
23 June 2006
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WALL STREET, NY -- In the ultra-competitive world of Evangelism, many churches have found it increasingly difficult to get hold of the funds required to back missionary task forces in foreign countries... that is, until now. The current theologico-economic climate has frightened off all venture capitalists, save those few most ardent.
Says our pwn Oliver O'Reilly, theologico-economic expert and prestidigitator;
- "Effective next week, the New York Mercantile EXchange will begin trading the futures of missionaries with expiries as early as August. The underlying instrument grants the purchaser certain rights to the missionary after they have served in their respective country, and currently, the starting price is estimated to be $50. Some Vatican analysts have speculated that short-sale contracts may ultimately bring this market down fast, with the expectation that this will then result in a forced buoyancy as a result of traders being unable to cover their positions."
Others in the realm of things Evangelical expect this may not happen, as those unable to close positions may be required to fulfil the obligations of the missionary, and it is expected that many traders would be unwilling to comply with an occupation which is second only to sex-slavery in the degradation of human character.
Prominent ex-Fed Chief Alan Greenspan exhibited shock and dismay, claiming that "It is a sad day that this country, no, this religion, has agreed to create a market for the trading of missionaries. What's next, mail-order bride futures?"
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The Chicago Merc has also agreed to make room in the market for this "exciting new futures product", as described by Oliver, and has agreed to open the floor to missionary contracts of the religious lunatic fringe, such as Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Presbyterians. "We want to see opportunities for all Christians, but especially the marginalised," said professor Sid Alarmingly, fellow at the Oral Roberts University School of Business. "It's my personal view that, theologically right or wrong, the smaller sects work so much harder to bring in converts. It may be that their beliefs are so bizarre, that it takes new and powerful techniques to brainwash potential communicants. This is where the R&D aspect of missionarism hones its edge."
Asked to comment on the rumour that NASDAQ will shortly begin trading in options on saints, chief executive Robert Greifeld replied, “We regard this as a key growth sector for the intermediate to long term. Let’s face it, if there are big bucks in splinter religions and cults, just imagine the kind of cash you can rake in with the mainstream faiths. The tourist dollars alone, not to mention the souvenirs, relics, you name it.”
New York Stock Exchange chairman Marsh Carter reportedly raised serious questions regarding SEC oversight of backdated indulgences, declaring, “Deferred compensation is one thing, but we’re talking mortal sin here.”