UnNews:NYC cracks down on strays, introduces fleet of 'dog sweepers'
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NYC cracks down on strays, introduces fleet of 'dog sweepers'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 12:06 (UTC)
14 August 2008
NEW YORK, New York - Mayor Michael 'Bloodbath' Bloomberg today initiated his latest plan in a ridiculously complex scheme to "clean up the streets of Manhattan." In this phase, the packs of stray dogs that have been plaguing residents of the City That Rarely Sleeps will be rounded up quickly and efficiently, in the least humane way possible. A fleet of two dozen 'dog sweepers' (nicknamed Bear 1 through 24) hit city streets last night amid praise, protest, and much barking and yelping. Essentially larger versions of street sweepers, each vehicle is capable of scooping up and eliminating over fifty dogs per night. When asked why such drastic actions were being taken, a Mayor's Office aide said, "People are afraid to leave their houses for fear of being attacked, or sniffed excessively. Firefighters are unable to approach fire hydrants because of the smell. Newspaper delivery casualties are up nine thousand percent. Desperate times call for desperate measures."
The drastic action recalls the other 'phases' of Bloomberg's master plan, including rounding up the homeless and transporting them in trucks to empty lots in New Jersey, then spinning them around so they wouldn't be able to find their way back to New York (the indigent have an astonishing sense of direction). When asked why the fleet's vehicles were named after bears, one engineer on the project said, "well, we named the mouse elimination vehicles after cats, but dogs don't really have any natural enemies, so we were stumped. But then someone thought, 'why not bears? A bear could totally mess up a dog.' It seemed like a solid idea." Due to the unflinchingly rigid dog-sweeping schedules, pet owners are advised to bring their dogs inside well before nightfall, lest they suffer a cruel, automated death.
The initiation of the plan has caused some public outrage, mostly from those nutbags who think that feeding rice to birds in order to watch them explode is somehow cruel. Promising a massive rally, the New York Society for the Protection and Wellbeing of Harmless and Semi-Harmless Animals showed up in force, with all nine members standing outside the Mayor's Office this morning. Some held signs saying things such as 'Strays are people too!' and 'Make love, not mechanized canine destruction units!' However, all of the protesters were quickly arrested, since yet another phase of Bloomberg's crackdown involved the suspension of certain First Amendment Rights such as the right to protest and the right to wear silly hats. When it was mentioned that the vast amount of dogs clogging city streets may be the result of the Mayor's Office's 2003 plan, which involved hundreds of dogs being released in Manhattan to control the massive cat population, Bloomberg said, "well, you don't see any cats around, do you?"