UnNews:NYC Rat Finally Rescued After 14 Days
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
NYC Rat Finally Rescued After 14 Days
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 13:20:UTC)(
15 April 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
(New York, NY) The crowd in Greenwich Village of New York City was jubilant today as a 2-week long rescue of a common brown rat came to a happy conclusion. Officials estimate there are millions of such rats in the city, but each one is considered holy, much like cows in India. Two rats adorn the city crest, and mayor Bloomberg keeps a dozen as pets.
The rescued 11-month old rat, named Polly by its owner Peter Myers, was stuck in the innards of a historic delicatessen. "My poor Polly!" despaired Myers, "The gods will be vengeful if anything happens to the holy animal!" Fortunately, the city's rescue squads quickly sprung into action.
A block along 6th avenue was closed, as well as the West 4th street subway station. TV networks provided non-stop live coverage, and state governor Pataki arrived at the scene to personally supervise the rescue efforts. West Virginia governor Joe Manchin called to offer support, saying "Our state suffered when those miners were trapped back in January, but that pales in comparison to the tragedy unfolding in New York."
While workers delicately took a building wall apart brick by brick, concerns over the rat's health were mounting. "We knew the rat was going to starve if we didn't hurry," tearfully commented supervisor Kevin Clifford. The ingenious team, however, drilled a hole through which they were able to drop bits of cheese for Polly. Brands ranged from Swiss, to Brie, and even included a rare 1976 Camembert. A bottle of wine (vintage 1998 Chateux Margeux Bordeaux) was also poured for the helpless animal.
The tragedy recalled the infamous 1985 incident in which a rat named Splinter became lost in the city sewers. Toxic water mutated the animal into a crime-fighting martial artist, who later teamed up with a foursome of teenage turtles to defeat the terrorist menace Shredder. No mutations were detected in Polly after her ordeal, but she did have a chipped tooth.
Firefighter Brad Hilton finally retrieved Polly at approximately 11am on Saturday. A photograph of the moment is a shoe-in for the Pulitzer prize, say experts. The site of the rescue will be turned into a permanent memorial according to city officials.