UnNews:NRA celebrates Colorado theatre shootings

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22 July 2012


James Egan Holmes, only 24, has already been promoted to vice-president of the NRA.

Fairfax, Virginia --

In an appalling (and therefore predictable) move this morning, David Keene, head of the NRA, said that “James Egan Holmes is one of the greatest living people of our time….all God-fearing Constitution-abiding Americans should strive to be just like him. Obviously he killed some people too, but, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

The NRA as a whole later released a statement reaffirming their president’s messages, stating, “We couldn’t think of a better man to run the NRA than our good friend James”. Moments later, the organization posted a four million dollar bond to free Mr. Holmes, who is now a hero inside their ranks.

"This is obviously a message from God," said Amelia Karro, a devout Christian, who was in the theatre when the shooting occurred. "This man, James Holmes, was obviously sent here to fulfill his duty from Jesus to eliminate the sinners in our ranks. I believe he should be excluded from all charges against him, and hailed as a martyr for our cause. Sure, it might be unfortunate for his non-sinning family members, but they should be ashamed of themselves for producing such offspring. Also, guns don't kill people, Jesus kills people."

Michael Holmes, who was spared during the massacre, was outraged by the way people were treating the shooter. A Satan-worshiper, he proclaimed that "This was all the work of Satan! He did this, not your stupid Jesus! All hail Satan!" There were several reported violent scuffles between survivors over who caused this shooting, in the parking lot while being questioned by police. Shouts of "ZEUS DID IT!" and "IT WAS THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!" frequented the air during the brawls.

The suspect was originally captured by police when he split the air with "No, it was me!", which resulted long stares in his direction for about two minutes.

Police later interviewed one of his high-school teachers, who reportedly said "Oh, he was such a sweet boy in school. He never got in too awful much trouble, I mean, except that time he shot up the gym and front office with his father's Uzi. God, that was funny. Also, guns don't kill people, people kill people."

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