UnNews:NONSENSE WATERMELON CATASTROPHE
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NONSENSE WATERMELON CATASTROPHE
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 21, 2017, 00:56:UTC)(
8 June 2008
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When, Why - Tally-ho my dear mongoose. Chin up. It's not that bad, darling. What do we have here? Oh. Not so good as it is yellow. I once had one of those when I was a child. Not sure whatever happened to it. Mine was slightly smaller, though. And it was missing the nose. But that's because I took the nose off. Fair trade really. Do you like coffee? Don't touch the stuff myself. OH GOD. DON'T TOUCH THAT YOU SILLY MONGOOSE. Why don't you just go hunt some C.O.B.R.As (which stands for "Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act")? Yeah. So. Let's get down to the "brass tax" as it were.
I'm not really sure why yellow seems to have such a deep cosmic tie with fear. You know? Yellow doesn't remind me of fear. And blue isn't really a very sad colour. Well, dark blue can look quite a bit like black under the right circumstances. You know? It's like, if I make a statement, but finish it with a question mark? Or a bland statement with an exclamation mark! They become questions or exclamations, depending, of course, on the mark that you mark it with. It would be hilarous if somebody read this and thought it was a parody of a news story. You know, just because it is an "UnNews". But, like, isn't the best parody of the news not news. And not just, like, news that isn't real. I mean stuff that's on a whole other level. Like some idiot rambling on and on about stuff. Imagine if they printed stuff like this in the newspaper. That would be the best newspaper ever. People would buy it, and then read it, and then throw it out. But with more style and panache then they buy, read, and throw away normal newspapers.
The heading to this section does not relate to the content in any way whatsoever.
Back to the matter at hand. This, folks at home, is a NONSENSE WATERMELON CATASTROPHE. If you've ever seen a NONSENSE WATERMELON CATASTROPHE before, you'll know all about this next part. It's called the "Stand up, sit down, kick computer, stand up, sit down dance". If you don't know how to perform the surgery, use the joystick to your left. Omega used to be a letter; now it's an acid. Alpha is probably still a letter. Gamma is a radiation. The Greeks are dead. You know, I'm not sure that you did know all those things that I supposed that you knew, before. Did you? Ah, it's not really important.