UnNews:NFL to police hurtful language during games

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3 March 2014

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The NFL's new class of gay referees will toot whistles when they hear hurtful words used during violent collisions.

DETROIT, Michigan -- The NFL is considering a proposal to impose 15-yard penalties for player use of an inflammatory racial epithet against African American players in American football games.

Senior UnNews editors have been unable to determine the word in question, as press reports consistently refer to it only as the "N-word." However, the mere utterance of the word is reportedly sufficient to reduce fierce black linebackers into quivering weaklings, as it embodies America's legacy of slavery that should have kept them from becoming a majority of players. The word reminds them that white folks hate all of them so badly that most are held down to making a mere $12 million per year.

The word has none of these effects, however, when blacks use it on fellow blacks as a term of endearment; likewise when it is used by a handful of "honorary blacks" such as Richie Incognito. The NFL Rules Committee is working to codify a way to determine which players could be authorized to use the "N-word" without penalty. Options include a second green dot on the helmet, or being assigned uniform numbers in a given range. Lower-tier teams might be allowed to insert into the lineup one or two extra Designated Haters.

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A separate enforcement problem is that the NFL, which has already declared that its goal for next season is to be more gay-friendly, has hired, along with overtly effeminate referees, non-English-speaking referees, and referees in wheelchairs, an undisclosed number of deaf referees, who will not be able to tell that the offensive word is being used. Commissioner Roger Goodell's solution is for a 12th player on both the offense and the defense, whose exclusive role would be to use American Sign Language to sign, for the benefit of any deaf referees or fans, the exact insults the other 11 players are using on one another. An additional Replay Official in each game could gauge the degree of hurtfulness of each insult.

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