UnNews:NFL changes rules for '18

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
NFL changes rules for '18

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, June 23, 2017, 01:14:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

23 May 2017

New NFL logo

NORTH DALLAS, Texas -- The National Football League has announced a series of rule changes to take effect in the 2017-18 season and make the sport more fun, less risky, and easier to administer and bet on.

The biggest change is shortening overtime periods from 15 to 10 minutes. League owners hand-wringed about the possibility for injury if a team had to play a full 75 minutes, worst of all a team that was scheduled to play next in Thursday Night Football to satisfy the deal with the television networks. Several owners said that such exertion, followed by a mere four days in the hotel jacuzzi, would elevate the risk of concussion, which had been the focus of the 2016-17 season. Then more players than ever would lie to the trainer to avoid having to sit in a dark room for ten minutes while the game was being decided.

The rule change mitigates the risk during minutes 70 through 75, while doing nothing about the risk during minutes 0 through 70. But Commissioner Roger Goodell denied rumors that he would follow the lead of a Minor League Baseball franchise, which planned to start a recent game by having both opposing managers sit at a card table at home plate and simulate the first three innings using cards and dice. This plan would have eliminated all risks to players, especially those removed from the game for underperforming during the simulated innings. However, it also eliminated most ticket sales.

UnNews Logo Potato
UnNews Senior Editors are currently inserting left-wing bias into this related article:

NFL to police hurtful language during games

To make it up to the gridiron players, the NFL eliminated the rule that penalized teams 15 yards (assessed on the following kickoff) for appearing to enjoy having scored a touchdown. Players will now be allowed to dance, strut, twerk, dry-hump, and do other things that minorities do, without fear of penalty, provided they do not involve biting a piece of bread into the shape of a handgun or using language that is offensive to Negroes, except if the violator is one himself, or one of the designated white players who everyone knows is a homie.

The United States had begun referring to the NFL as the No Fun League before this week's rules change. In an article on the league website, Goodell says that the NFL is "relaxing rules on celebrations to allow players more room to have a fun after the make big plays." Goodell, who insists he is not concussed himself, asserts that having a fun after the make big plays is what league about all. NFL to minimize larger price increase ticket by having press release edited Philippines-wise. Writer hopes the reader had a fun reading article.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects