UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth

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2 February 2010


One of the infinite number of phrasesTM now owned by the NFL.

In a move certain to spark controversy among fans of the most popular spectator sport everTM, the NFL has laid copyright claim to every phrase you have ever uttered or may ever utter in the future.TM

New Orleans SaintsTM fan Jamarcus McMahonTM was incensed. "I'll never abandon my beloved Saints, but the NFL can suck my assTM," he proclaimed, using a phrase that is the exclusive property of NFL Properties, Inc.

A spokespersonTM for the league said, "While we are sensitive to the inherent difficulties of enforcing this claim, the facts are clear that the National Football League is the sole owner of any phrase that might be used in the context of cheering for one of our properties. Anything uttered in this context might potentially be marketable as a fan T-shirt, hat or giant foam finger catch phrase. Now, it is impossible to determine a priori what phrases might become cheers, so to protect our valued interests, we have decided to simply copyright every possible utterance, in every language - the league plans to internationalize in the future and we need to anticipate that."

The league's Copyright lawyers are examining the caseTM, but it seems clear that the social, economic and political clout that the league enjoys makes the move unassailable despite its seeming outlandishnessTM, and regardless of protests by the fans.TM

All copy from this report is the exclusive property of the National Football League, and has been used without permission. So, "Who dat, bitches!"

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