UnNews:NEC hooks Billy Mays zombie contract
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NEC hooks Billy Mays zombie contract
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 16, 2017, 19:40:UTC)(
1 November 2009
Professor Yukio Sushimi of NEC spoke at a press conference at company headquarters here today, saying "What we mean to do is to simulate a living human being for purposes of televised programing. That is to say, it will require the massive resources of our ES computer to convincingly simulate a specific human being, in this case, Billy Mays. "
The superfast Earth Simulator computer is capable of 35.86 trillion (35,860,000,000,000) floating-point calculations per second, or 35.86 TFLOPS. It is not the most powerful machine in the world (although it was until September 29, 2004), but has the necessary memory to create an operable Billy Mays in real time, able to once again hawk new products.
The first invention pitched by resurrected virtual Billy Mays will be the doggie grabber, invented by Patrice Twogimlets of Dorset, England. Says Twogimlets,"It's a most practical device, certain to ease the life of a doggie owner."
- Ransome Zardoz "Infomercial giant contracts for virtual Billy Mays". Scientific American, November 1, 2009