UnNews:NBA owner disinvites fans
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
NBA owner disinvites fans
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 28, 2016, 04:49:UTC)(
29 April 2014
LOS ANGELES, California -- Basketball team owner Donald Sterling showed his aptitude for retailing by telling ex-girlfriend V. Stiviano not to bring black people to his games. The racist suggestion would not be relevant, as no one would think to bring a black person to a basketball game, except that Stiviano is herself half-black. The apparent excerpts from a drunken lovers' spat were captured by Stiviano, reportedly at the instigation of Sterling, and were widely aired on the TMZ network.
The 80-year-old real-estate mogul's clear disinvitation to a large segment of the fan base has led black fans who arrive at Clippers games independently of Stiviano to wonder whether they are unwelcome as well, while the NBA furiously investigates the incident in order to administer a rap-on-the-knuckles in record time.
President Obama remarked that the comment should be put in the context of the Legacy of Slavery, and told his aides to study whom his son would most resemble, if he had one. Sponsors who have boycotted the franchise, in order to dissociate themselves from offensive racial stereotypes, include FUBU apparel with its popular "Don't snitch to the Police" line of clothing, the UBN network, Ebony magazine, and Kool menthols.
Clergyman Snoop Dogg, on behalf of the entire Black Community, dissociated himself from Sterling's racism by calling him a "bitch-ass redneck, white-bread, chicken-shit mother fucker." The measured remarks were made privately and went no further than Mr. Dogg's vanity record label. Al Sharpton, on NBC's Meet the Press, said the treatment of multimillionaire black players connoted "slavery" and suggested it would improve the black job market to "remove" the white interloper and "disband" the Clippers franchise. But Mr. Sharpton expressed no opinion on whether Sterling was a bloodsucking Jew as well, and did not call for any disgruntled fans to burn down Staples Center, this time.
Players gathered in their pre-game practice and turned their jerseys inside-out. This obscured both the Clippers logo and the flurry of grease stains from the pre-game meal at KFC.
The awkwardness for league executives and basketball fans alike is that the Clippers are in the NBA post-season. Fans are torn between their desires to make a meaningless statement about a clueless team owner and to see playoff basketball. Employees are likewise torn between doing their job and doing some quality political posturing in the workplace. Coach "Doc" Rivers, M.D., who for a while insisted that the team would focus on winning games, finally stated that he would do the right thing and avoid speaking to his boss, the cracker.
In related news, Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy suggested that The Negro might better abandon basketball and return to his roots picking cotton; and Secretary of State John Kerry focused on the pressing question of "apartheid" in Israel.
- Staff "Snoop Dogg BLASTS DONALD STERLING - 'You Racist Piece of S**t'". TMZ, April 26, 2014
30 April 2014
Update. The NBA has sanctioned Clippers owner Donald Sterling, Commissioner Adam Silver stating that Sterling's mouth was banned from all future basketball games, though the bulging wallet at the other end of his alimentary canal would continue to be welcome. Wayne Embry, who has fought racism for decades, declared that, "Such ignorance cannot and will not be tolerated. Unless it is Spike Lee holding court, court-side, on his fantasies of shooting white people."
Talk radio callers continue to suspect an ulterior motive, such as potential buyers forcing Sterling to sell the team or reducing its market value. Oprah Winfrey may be brokering a deal to keep the Clippers safe from racism. Reportedly, Jesse Jackson is interested in buying the franchise and moving it to Hymie-town.