UnNews:NATO takes control of Libyan airspace, introduces tax on air
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25 March 2011
TRIPOLI, Libya -- Following fierce fighting between NATO and forces loyal to Colonel Gaddafi, which has seen several troops severely annoyed and one militia soldier falling victim to a vicious shin-kicking, Italian Chairman of the Military Giampaolo Di Paola has announced that NATO have taken control of Libyan air. In a press conference, Paola stated "we have pried control of the skies from Gaddafi and his weather balloons of doom. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to smoke a giant celebratory cigar and have sex with someones wife. Good job, everyone." Paola was later found at an all-night party, naked except for a light dusting of popcorn around his crotch.
Short-term plans for the air have been outlined in a NATO resolution, stipulating that the air should “be taxed with immediate effect, with charges levied for all air breathed within one vertical kilometre of Libyan soil," and that further taxes on the air are "quite likely" in future. Secretary-General Anders Rasmussen has claimed that "the air isn't free. It was hard-won with the lives and blood of our fighter pilots, and we have a right to use it as we see fit. I don't want to hear none of this namby-pamby Lefty crap about air being a free resource, now get the hell out of my garden!"
The exact nature of the tax remains to be determined. One suggestion is to place electronic devices similar to parking meters on public streets, with citizens placing money in the slot and being given a pre-determined amount of breaths they may take before their next installment is due. Others have suggested a monthly flat tax, or a sliding scale rate of taxation, with loudmouths and heavy-breathing perverts being charged more. The tax will be used to pay for various items deemed "essential" by NATO staff, such as James Herbert novels, pogs, pornographic magazines, spare shoelaces and cheaper car insurance.
Opponents to the tax have described it as "simply not on." Libyan political activist Gabba-Gabba Heighhay says the tax is "monstrous, a stupid idea, there's no way it could..." but was cut off as police officials sucked the air from her lungs, saying "if she don't want to pay for it, she can't have it." Gaddafi himself is opposed to the tax on the grounds that “I wish I’d thought of it first. Bastards.”
Libyan citizens have largely been unavailable for comment due to an outbreak of suffocation.
- "Libyan airspace 'under control' as NATO take control of no-fly zone". Daily Record, March 25, 2011