UnNews:NASCAR: Carl Edwards gets probation for killing fellow driver
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 March 2010
ATLANTA, Georgia -- NASCAR driver Carl Edwards has been placed on probation for causing the crash that killed fellow NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski. He has not been fined or suspended. He will not be deducted any points either. Police indicated that no charges have been laid and that there are no intentions of doing so. NASCAR has also hired the best team of lawyers in case Keselowski's family attempts to sue Edwards or NASCAR.
NASCAR President Mike Helton condemned Edwards' reckless behaviour that caused the crash and warned him that if he continues to kill other drivers he will be penalized. However, he added that NASCAR's ratings, popularity, and merchandise sales have surged since the unfortunate fatality.
Edwards stated during a press conference Wednesday that it was "not my intention to kill Brad, and I regret killing him. I merely intended to settle a score with him in a way that would permanently remove him from NASCAR." Edwards hit Keselowski on the final lap of Sunday's race at Atlanta Motor Speedway in retaliation for a crash, which some believe was accidental, earlier in the race. The crash damaged Edwards' car so badly that he had to steal another car from a nearby parking lot to continue racing. As a result, Edwards was more than 100 laps behind at the time of the crash.
Keselowski's car flipped multiple times before smashing into several other cars and then bursting into flames. Guts and gray matter can be seen strewn all over the racetrack in gruesome video available on YouTube.
President Helton apologized to the family, but he urged them to "suck it up and move on. Nothing we say now will bring Brad back." However, he offered them free tickets to any upcoming NASCAR event.
The family of the victim was outraged by the lack of discipline issued by NASCAR and police reluctance to press charges. They attempted to press charges themselves but were told by local police not to bother because the crash had helped NASCAR increase their bottom line and that "money has more value than human life." When they realized that criminal charges would be futile they instead decided to seek out a civil suit. The case is being taken up by a local lawyer but the family was warned that they only have a 50% chance of actually winning. In addition, NASCAR is counter-suing Keselowski's family for slander.
NASCAR fans seem to have mixed reactions to the lack of punishment for Edwards killing of Keselowski. Some are happy that racing has more action and excitement but others question the extent corporations will go in the quest for fame and fortune. Only time will tell whether this new lax attitude toward murder and mayhem will hurt or help NASCAR in the long run.