UnNews:NASA to test faulty shuttle gauges next week; Christians thrilled
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NASA to test faulty shuttle gauges next week; Christians thrilled
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 13:36:UTC)(
12 December 2007
WASHINGTON (AP) - NASA today announced plans to put a shuttle into space with faulty gauges. A launch date has been set for sometime next week and Christians across the nation couldn't be happier.
"We have just been praising God for this blessing since we heard the report this morning!" said 37-year-old Texas resident Ruth Powers, "Who does man think he is to try and be as good as the God that put us on this Earth with nothing but arable land and a tree of knowledge of good and evil? I'll tell you who he thinks he is - someone as good as GOD!"
"I'm finally glad those NASA folks are getting their comeuppance!" said 117-year-old Dolores Wriggelsby of Ashland, Wisconsin, "I remember a time when men only dreamed of getting home that night in order to slap his wife back into her place if she fucked up his meatloaf. Now these men think they're God with their mighty flying machines and such. HUMBUG! Back in my day, we had men with wings strapped to their back. They failed then and they're going to fail now, only with more of an explosion. This is God's way of stopping the sinful practice of flying, as well as the practice of trying to prove that we're as good as God. Remember the tower of Babel? God smote them. Remember Sodom? God smote them because they were ass fucking wrong. The priests were the only ones who followed God's example of fucking little boys in the ass, and that's why they were allowed to live. But this space garbage is nothing but a humbug of malarkey and baloney!"
Of course, NASA is thrilled at the prospect as well.
"Installing faulty gauges should have been our first move since the 1986 Challenger disaster;" said NASA control analyst Frank Bloom, "it would have saved us BILLIONS in research costs, not to mention no more of this hard hitting question bullshit from the press about if we knew beforehand that the gauges were faulty. Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes, and the money is being better spent as we speak." said the 45-year-old as a stripper named Destynnie Chrisstal III serviced him in the middle of the crowded NASA control room.
NASA said its engineers and staff will take a few days off during the launch and subsequent travels for the Christmas holiday.
"This is merely an insurance measure. If we launched this, and were all around, and something sad were to happen... well, I don't know what I'd do." NASA spokesman Thomas Arnoldt stated confidently in his new company-insured Gucci business suit, "That's why I opted to go home for the duration of the scheduled 10 day mission."