UnNews:NASA plans mission into the Sun

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NASA plans mission into the Sun

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1 June 2017


There are potentially unlimited celestial objects left to explore and learn about.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA plans to send a spacecraft straight into the Sun next summer.

The Solar Probe Plus will fly within 4 million miles of the Sun's surface. It will set records for exposure to heat and radiation, and for a high-profile, high-frontier waste of taxes that no one would do with his own money, except perhaps Elon Musk. Then it will try to get away.

However, the rewards will be immense. The probe will study the Sun's outer atmosphere and will teach humankind how stars work — in case we need to build one. Understanding how stars work, we might begin to piece together why Kathy Griffin thought it was amusing to hold up a decapitated effigy of Donald Trump.

Trump, for his part, might have used his business sense to cite the unbalanced federal budget, which spends 40% more than it takes in, and put a stop to the Solar Probe mission. However, "Deep State" forces within NASA have fast-tracked the mission, as they are eager to see Trump's presidency fail.

In the event that the Solar Probe Plus finds that near solar orbit is not a welcoming habitat for human life, watching it try to report back to Earth while it transforms into Molten Blob Minus will surely be the most gripping television viewing since Gomez Addams engineered head-on crashes of toy trains.

The schedule for the mission was announced at the University of Chicago during a ceremony honoring astrophysicist Eugene Parker. Parker was shot into the Sun last year, in lieu of attaining tenure.

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