Cape Canaveral, Florida; Intercollasal Pace Wagon (Uters) - An astronaut dropped the $700,000,000,000 tool belt allocated to NASA by Secretary Paulson, who recently diverted the funds from the vacation in Mars bailout plan for private space companies. The astronaut was repairing the sandvich builder when she got distracted by the condiment dispenser and kicked the tool belt off into Earth's rotation. After a passage of a declaration of war by NASA, the Pentagon has approved a search and rescue mission for the belt which also contained a baseball card of Babe Ruth signed by Barack Obama. United States Pace Command attempted to extract the tool belt from a nearby damaged satellite, but the experimental spaceship was destroyed when the baseball card's krypton caused the craft to have its laser reflected, and its scanning device exploded upon itself. Barack Obama has commented saying that he did not want his likeness destroyed in space and therefore ordered Nancy Pelosi to craft an earmark for a $500,000,000 defensive barrier against military devices to be implemented on the baseball card. The tool belt is presumably still in orbit, but the now turned Hexagon, which presumably has decided to curse all of its missions against the craft, has decided to call off all missions for the safety of their prototype space craft.