UnNews:NASA Shooting Prompted by Man's Refusal to Cope with Co-workers Conflict of Interest with Disbelief of Extraterrestrial Existence
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30 April 2007
NASA Shooting Prompted by Man's Refusal to Cope with Co-workers Conflict of Interest with Disbelief of Extraterrestrial Existence
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 14:42:UTC)(
NASA, SPACELAND New information surrounding the actions of Bill Phillips, the former NASA employee who, at age 60, stormed a Johnson Space Center in Houston, has been recently revealed. After police had searched his apartment, just about 6 miles from the center, several indications towards his erratic behavior were discovered. According to chief investigator, Brian Coleman, the man's apartment was lined with several disturbing and somewhat pathetic letters.
"This guy was not right in the head, and probably needed to get in touch more with reality," revealed Coleman to reporters after finding several letters that can only be described as an obsession with the monumental TV show Star Trek. "We found a whole bunch of crap about stuff like Antos IV and Mizarr II, planetary charts, and things that looked like blueprints for either a time machine, or a some very elaborate self-satisfaction machine." "Either way, this dude needed a friend badly."
It was revealed also after several interviews with co-workers that they also noticed some very strange and erratic behavior in Phillips. An interview with the director of the Johnson Space Center also detailed some of his work habits,
"I would constantly get some performance reports on him, often due to him acting out of line and causing disturbances such as heated arguments with supervisors, which often ended in him attempting to 'assault' them with some sort of neck pinch, which many of us found humorous and shrugged off as his form of affection or entertainment."
When asked about dealing with his sanity and the mental health of an employee that should have been considered for grounds of dismissal, Coleman responded by saying that most of his days were spent talking not to other people, but to staplers, fine point Sharpie markers and an imaginary gay janitor who he would constantly yell at for forgetting his status as a lower class subservant slave.
Police said that the homicidal and suicidal actions were provoked by his unstable sanitary state as well as his misuse of NASA equipment. In a report filed by supervisor Lynn Pullman, Phillips was understood to have recently disgruntled over the a networks cancellation of airing season 2 episodes of Babylon 5 and secluded himself to the telescope area of the center.
"This is a problem, because the room where many of our high tech equipment is stored is a secluded area for scientists and authorized personell," said Pullman. "We can't just have anyone go and play with these items like they want, its not good practice and completely against our policy of being a respected organization, plus who would want some creepy guy muttering about spaceships and exotic alien female species, and then touching equipment that requires the human eye to be in contact with?"
Phillips reportedly was not allowed to use the equipment and as resault of this and many other squabbles, reportedly had said he would come back with his phaser set not on stun, but on kill, and angrily stomped out of the building friday.
Phillips was found dead after shooting himself and two co-workers. His body was also found with the remnants of a limited-edition, collectable Carrie Fischer doll.