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5 December 2012
NASA Headquarters, Florida -- Nasa's Mars Exploration program suffered a major setback today when it was announced that Curiosity engineer and Internet meme Bobak Ferdowsi, a.k.a Mohawk Guy, has decided to shave his head. The decision by Mr. Ferdowsi has left Nasa scientists reeling and scrambling for ways to keep the 54 year old organization relevant.
"This is an unmitigated disaster," said Curiosity Project Manager John Grotzinger. "The loss of Bobaks hairstyle is a serious blow for the Curiosity mission, for Nasa, and frankly, for science itself." Grotzinger himself made Internet waves recently when he famously claimed that the Curiosity Rover team would soon be making an 'earth shaking' announcement. "Little did I know when I was bullshitting that NPR guy that there really would be an earth shaking development. I just wish it wasn't this. I have a mortgage, damnit."
In an emotional press conference a visibly moved Ferdowsi explained his decision. "In recent weeks I've had to come to grips with something that I had hoped to avoid until I was much older. But after consultations with doctors, and my own mirror, I can no longer hide the truth from myself, or from all those kids out there who, because of my hairstyle, became interested in exploring other worlds. You see, I suffer from male pattern baldness." At this point Mr. Ferdowsi paused to wipe away tears and compose himself before resuming. "I know that without my hair, NASA will have a hard time generating interest and as a result, funding, but I feel there are no other options for me right now. When you're going bald, the only sensible thing to do is shave it all off. The last thing NASA needs is a mascot known as 'Toupe Guy'."
"Bobaks hair has been a wild rollercoaster ride for all of us at NASA," Grotzinger said, "but its over now and I just don't know where we go from here. What do we have left? The Curiosity Rover on Mars? Forget it, the Rover sucks, its boring as hell, and we all know it. I mean, seriously, how do you keep peoples attention with announcements every three weeks that Curiosity managed to roll forward three feet, shake a thimble full of sand and find absolutely nothing? Well, you can't, and thats why this time next year if I'm lucky I'll be assistant manager at a Burger King."
As dire as these sentiments seem, there may be some rays of hope on the horizon for Mr. Ferdowsi, the Curiosity team, and NASA. Senator Chuck Spume has proposed providing funding for Ferdowsi to insert a large plate in his lip. The plate would be a replica of the golden records which are currently leaving the Solar System aboard the Voyager spacecraft. "Its the perfect solution to this mess," said Spume,"my people are trying to arrange a meeting with him right now. Maybe he could even wear a big red clown nose that looks like Jupiter. I'm confident we'll be able to work something out."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|