N.Korea opens pizzeria
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 8, 2016, 23:52:UTC)(
18 March 2009
PYONGYANG, North Korea - Great, Mighty and Infinitely Wise leader Kim Jong-Il recently ruled that all North Koreans should have the right to eat nothing but the world's finest foods in order to demonstrate, firstly, the greatness of the nation; and secondly - and most importantly - the greatness and benevolence of His leadership.
Of the foods designated as particularly fine by His Eminence is popular Italian dish pizza, beloved by billions worldwide who are not in possession of sufficient intelligence to realise that it is merely very expensive cheese on toast. This is yet more proof that the Communist country, where around 2,000,000 people have died as a result of famine since 1990, continues to flourish under Kim's judicious and loving rule.
Millions rely on food aid and survive well below the poverty line in the SE Asian state, but those in the gutter will doubtless feel heartened as they lie back to die and see not the stars, but the welcoming red neon glow of a pizzeria's sign.
Food is scarce in North Korea, but this is of course not in any way a problem for the illustrious and adored Kim who has developed a uniquely North Korean pizza recipe which will be vastly superior to the very best of Italy and the USA's paltry efforts. So that UnNews readers can join in with praising the great man, here it is:
- Pre-heat oven to whichever temperature the old car tyres, dead animals, hospital waste or whatever you're using as fuel will allow
- Combine 0 oz self-raising flour with 0 ml olive oil and 250 ml water - water polluted with agro-chemicals, radioactive waste and assorted other toxins will add flavour and vitamins
- Stir to form dough. If you haven't eaten for a few weeks, the effort of completing this part of the recipe may seem too great. However, no matter how weary you become, if you consider giving up for even a moment you are a traitor to the nation and have no part to play in the Worker's Struggle.
- Using something approximately the same thickness as a rolling pin - perhaps your teenage child's leg, assuming any of them survived beyond early childhood - roll the dough into a circle approximately half an inch thick.
- Top with 0 oz grated cheese, 0 oz passata, 0 oz onion, 0 oz ground beef. If you can find any mushrooms growing on the damp walls of your hovel (do not worry - Wondrous and Mighty Kim has decreed that all fungi growing in North Korea must now be edible), or can scrape up any roadkill from local streets, add them.
- Bake for 15 minutes. Enjoy. What do you mean you don't like it? Our adored leader invented it, you ungrateful, selfish enemy of the people! Expect a knock on the door in the early hours...