UnNews:Mythical beast discovered as road kill

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1 September 2007

Chewy

Mythical chupacabra?

LA CUCARACHA, TX - Phyllis the Fibber, as Phyllis Canion is known among those who will tolerate her tall tales, who claims, among other things, to have lived in Africa for several years and, despite her complexion, which neighbors describe as “pale, even for a white person,” alleges that she may have found the supposedly mythical beast known as the chupacabra.

She ran over the animal near her home while driving drunk. “Ain’t it ironic?” she asked. “When we finally do discover the chupacabra, it’s road kill!”

When she sobered up the next morning, she promptly put the carcass of the animal “on ice in her freezer, alongside bacon, sausage, steaks, and other cuts of meat, intending to have it for supper one night. Unfortunately, by this time, rigor mortis had set in, and “stiff as it was, it seemed too tough to eat,” Canion decided.

An amateur taxidermist and author of Innovations in Taxidermy, she is considering mounting and stuffing the specimen for preservation as an exhibit in her backyard Bigfoot Museum. “It has nothing to do with Bigfoot, actually,” she admits, “but it’s a curiosity and, as such, like the museum’s two-headed rattler, it ought to draw some attention.”

Bigfoot Museum is listed as a roadside attraction, along with Michael Jackson’s lovechild, on various websites, Canion pointed out.

After studying the remains of the creature, Canion told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, “It’s one ugly varmint! It looks just like that character on Star Wars, Chewing Tobacco, or whatever.”

“Chupacabra” means “goat-sucker” in Spanish, a romance language known for stretching the truth on occasion, as it does by calling the cockroach “la cucaracha.” According to legends, the animal is the mammals’ equivalent of the vampire bat. It survives by biting other animals and sucking their blood or other “vital fluids.” Reportedly, the animals are much sought-after by male homosexuals as household pets, despite the fact that their existence has never been confirmed. Allegedly Senator Barney Frank and Senator Larry Craig have offered sizeable rewards for anyone who can deliver an actual chupacabra to them, and Craig has urged Texas lawmakers to name the creature the state’s official animal.

Canion’s neighbors believe that she has captured national headlines with another of her many tall tales. According to Bertha Bigg, who owns and operates Bigg’s Fashions for Big Women, Canion “has been abducted by aliens, possessed by the devil, haunted by ghosts, and reborn from the grave as a vampire--or maybe it was as a zombie. She tells so many lies, it’s hard to keep them straight.” Bigg believes the supposed chupacabra is “likely a dead dog she’s spray painted.”

Canion denies that the chupacabra is her own pet, Fido, a faithful German shepherd that has always been at Canion’s side--until recently, when, for no apparent reason, according to Canion, “He ran away.”

Scientists have asked to examine the alleged chupabacra, but Canion has put them off. “Not until it’s stuffed and mounted,” she says, “or freeze dried.”

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