UnNews:Mystery Speaker to Convene Iraqi Parliament

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12 April 2006

(Baghdad, Iraq) The Iraqi legislature will go into its 2nd session since the December 15th election on Monday, the Shiite majority party announced through Al Jazeera today. It will be presided by a a mystery speaker, who is concealing his identity because he is very shy, and also for security reasons. "We all know what happened to the last speaker who revealed his name," the man commented. He was referring to Agbah Al-Gbadah, who was last seen on January 27th heading towards the Baghdad Quickie Mart and was never heard from again. "And besides, " he adds, "I have this unsightly pimple on my cheek. I can't be seen in public like this!"

The mystery speaker could be from any one of the major Iraqi factions - Shiite, Sunni, Kurd, or Republican. The last party's existence is the result of the population of American officials present in Iraq being so high that they actually have representatives in the legislature. But, as US ambassador Khalizay admits, "Pretty much all Iraqi politicians represent American interests." And just like the US government, they are so far unable to form a unity government.

The parliament will have two major issues to deal with - the first is appointing a new Prime Minister (incumbent al-Jaafari is embroiled in a scandal over alleged inappropriate relations with a legislative intern, although he claims, "I did not have sexual relations with that man... er I mean woman.") The second major problem will be tackling a new immigration bill. The country is being flooded with illegal immigrants, most from across the porous eastern border with Iran. Insurgent Jalab Zahif complains, "They are taking away our jobs, and do them for much less money. I charge 50 dinars for setting up a roadside bomb, but an Iranian immigrant will do it for half that." Combined with rampant oursourcing of other jobs to Syria, the issue is creating a bleak situation in the Iraqi job market.

The Bush administration is hopeful that this parliamentary session will be more succesful than the first one, which managed only to officially rename "Danish pastries" as "Roses of the Prophet Mohamed." White House press secretary Scott McClellan is putting pressure on the Iraqi government, "The legislators should overcome their factional differences and put together a democratic government for all Iraqi people, benefitting US interests." "And if they don't", he adds, "well, there is always more room in Guantanamo for those 'opposing the forces of freedom.'"

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